I remember when I was working on my self hard.
One of my aims was not to hurt others and help them in a way that no body finds out about it.
I remember I had the goal of not getting so happy or so sad because of what I get or loose.
I remember when I was trying not to nag!
And not to do things that do not have any benefit either for myself or others.
Det var lange sedan!

Nomin got the bus at 10:40 and went to Stockholm to go to Chna and then Mongolia!

She went back "home"!

But then what is Vasteras that is missing something with this little girl who was waking up early in, I mean early early at 2 in the morning and was destributing newspapers in the city, no matter if it was raining, snowing or blowing.

Nomin and so many others just do live without so much word like me.

They do study, work and fall in love and break up without a single word!

I huged her three or four times before she and teh bus driver get on the us and each time I just kept myself not to cry cozo I did not want to make her cry.

I am sure if I had shown a drop of tear she would have started crying hard.

I think she will have a long trip home in which she will think a lot and come up with interesting results and I will ask her to share it with me.

There are numbers in my mobile that I have to delete since the owners have left Sweden and it feels bad unless I replace it with their numbers in their "home" countries!

I am the one who always says: "Come on, we have aircrafts and phone and webcam and we will all work and have money and meet when ever we desire and shala shala"

but

It is never the same when you can

reach your friend,

look in her/his eyes,

touch their shoulder

or hold their hands

and it is so stupid of us that we don't do it enough unless we feel like we are missing each other.

I am trying to hug and contact others phisycally as much as possible unless I know they don't like it no matter what others say.

I was searching for a hug picture to put in my post and look what I found:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/publications/booksbeyondwords/bbwonlineversions/hugmetouchme/frontcover.aspx

It is sooooooooooooo stupid. What is Janet? Is she brought up in an incubator until she got 30 or so?

:)

But any way the point is that we need it. :))

If we don't hug our friends then we will be like Janet! :)

instead I will upload a pic of my little friend Nomin who is now on the way to mongolia!

It looks like I am back in life!

I know what I am doing and I have some how control on what I am doing.

No rush!

No panik!

I am on the way with my thesis and closing my Facebook account which feels so good.

:)

I sit there,
look at her face...
some thick gray hair has grown on her cheeck and nobody has unplugged them.
She looks at me and smiles. She makes one of her special faces like crossing her eyes and pulls her tongue out.
:)
I lough and touch her soft hands and stand up to get the hairplugger...
She gets my hand and says, on your way back get one of those ice-creams that you have bought before the nurse comes back!
I smile and say:
"Maadar! you had one this morning, it will be so much sugar for you!"
She says:
"Come on! You used to be my friend! I have been eating what I wanted whole my life and look I am healthy, just this finger which burns, it is like ..."
and I lough and say:
"... yeah yeah I know, It is like they have opened it and put salt and pepper inside and it burns and itches like that!"
She laughs but then gets a serious face and says:
"You laugh but it really hurts!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who should I tease if you go?
Who should I look and enjoy looking at?
Madaar don't leave us.

Let me come and kiss your soft skinny hand once more!

Why is it so hard to go to some one and tell him/her:
I really like you and I want to know you more, maybe we can have some tea or coffee some time!
I know why, because it sounds so much like a date.
But if you really don't look after a date and you mean the words you say?
On the other hand, think about the famous stupid question:
What would you do if you have just one last day to live?
Then everything sounds so easy but who knows how many days are we going to live?
Poooof!
Jag vet inte!
Jag måste plugga nu!
Hejdå!

I am searching for an isolation way. It is one of those periods that I feel like I have to spend more time with "ME".

I want to be honest!
I have a lot to do and I am doing nothing!
I have to finish some courses from last last term and there is the F*** Thesis taht I have to work on too.
I have to practice Capoeira and I ave to learn more Svenska!
Men Men Men
jag kan inte satta mig och plugga!
Jag vet inte varfor men det gar inte!
Jag sade till mig att jag har halla juli och agusti att plugga men en vecka av juli ar klar och jag har gjort absolut ingenting!
Jag maste borja! Jag maste.

Have you ever felt that some one can do magic with you?
That some one can make your brain freeze?
That you are word less when he/she talks to you?
Have you ever felt so angry and in love at the same time with some body?
I don't know how to act and I decide to skip it all.
But then I can not and I get stuck in it like a donkey in mud! This is an old persian saying! :)
But I don't know why I put a smily face, though it is not funny at all!
p.s. Don't search for the relationship between donkey, mud and tiger and water...

Today I was thinking about those 200-1 people who got killed and there was no one to film their death so there is no name of them in Youtube or any other place. You just know Neda and that is not all.

People are in streets in Iran, they are getting hit and shot, they are fighting for freedom.
They are looking for their votes. I am born in Tehran, Iran and just by the time these things are going on in Iran, I take a bus to Stockholm but not to demonstrate or join others who want to shout for Iranian nation whose voice can not be broadcasted easily, I want to take the bus to go to a cheap airport called Skavsta. I fly to Bratislava, take the bus to the city, have a turn in the center of the city and some memories from Ebi and Farideh and our Vienna trip gets a second life, I get the bus to Budapest and visit my old friend Zita there. She is standing in the bus terminal at 11 pm in not a very good part of the city with a beautiful rose in her hands and a beautiful tired smile in her face.
She brings me to her home in Budpest suburb, we drink a glass of fine Champagne and sleep.
I go around in this beautiful city. She does not let me pay a single penny. I get the bus in the early morning go to Prague. There are some old good doods waiting for me. tired real smiles on their faces. I hugs David, Tomas and Petr and I feel, damn, I had missed these guys.
We go, drink and eat and go to my survival trip of 100 km in 24 hours and I fail in 92.5 km and on the 22nd hour of the trip. I spend the night by the fire in an old typical Zcech in Bohemian Paradise in an old village in my sleeping bag but before we have some beer and sit by the fire and listen to the rock climber who plays guitar and sings Czech folk songs.
I take the train back to the city after eating a typical Czech food in a small town by the railways. The bus brings me to Wroclaw through lots of ups and downs in the mountains in south border of Poland and I can see nothing from the big window beside me not because it is dark but because it is dirty and foggy. I go to the centrum in the nicest hostel ever near the main market square and listen to loud laugh of lovers and wonder about the roses Polish gentlemen give to their lovers when they meet in fine clothes in teh main square while I am in my shorts and old slippers. I get the train to Poznan the other day and remind lots of good memories in Frolic Goats and the day after a short girly visit to the tourist information office in that nice old square and then the bus to the airport and flying back to Vasteras.
Finished? no! from the airport in Vasteras I walk down to the island named Bjorno and swim and rest and enjoy the late sunset at 10 pm and walk back home: sundinska!
And after all these, now I think I know what should I do for Iran. I don't need to buy a ticket and run back home and shoudl stop repeating to myself: "Why shoudl Neda get shot? Why not me? What if I was there and she was still alive?"
I know what should I do and I feel good about it.
May peace flow all around the world.
You could see war's effect in all these cities I have travelled through and it is not pleasant at all.

These day?

This is me!

I brought a small present for Romain from Iran and he gave me his favorite old silver medalium.

I have it on me now and I am realy happy about it.


Lets keep it this simple because it is simple.

I had this dream of
lying on a rock,
the rock was on a bed of short soft grass,
it was surrounded by tall old trees,
sun rays were reaching the green bed, the rock and me through the leaves of the trees,

I had this dream of lying on such a bed,
naked and still!
I wanted to wait and observe how
days and night pass
animals came and go
they approached me slowly, smelled me some licked me and left.
insects passed over me,
It rained and snowed
and one day it blew and I felt that I am flying like a dust...

I had this dream and I was making it more and more facinating by adding sweet details to it
But
Now
I am living and I want to live and I know that there will be such a day and I will enjoy it but now I want to live with sweeter dreams.

Have you ever searched for the picture of a photographer?
You will find the photos he/she has taken and you are never sure which one is his/her own profile.
Maybe it is so right because you are what you see and what you do.

I look in your eyes,
Blue, Brown, Green, Black, Honey, ...
I see a transparent reflection of me.

You think about me,
good or bad,
does not matter,
there are some seconds, minutes or hours you spend thinking about me or us and it connects me to you stronger and stronger.

You think you are my enemy but ...
We get closer and closer.
Niether you or I can help it,
It is the rule.
.
.
.
Lets meditate!

My dear old dearest!
You told me that you wanted to get shallow
and you did!
You told me that you didn't want to think any more
and you absolutely did!

YOU LOST ME

but you forgot that
You told me that you wanted to get shallow and you did
And you wanted to stop thinking
and you did!

"I read your previous posts and I think you've got reborn"
that is what you said
and
I forgot to say:
"It should happen more often!"

Maybe life is the time,
you look back,
your father is not holding the back of your bike any more,
he is smiling at you,
you have been cycling on your own,
for a quite far distance and all
at once
just without any reason:
You fall!

I think I found it out!
I have experienced so many loosings and I am so afraid of it that I try not to have in order not to loose!
That is why I love you.
There is no way I have you so I am sure and easy minded that I can not loose you!
:)
Happy and secure, I enjoy it so much.

I closed my eyes,
enjoying the sun,
reached your arm
and rested my hand safely in your just bent elbow.

VISST!

I got a deep breath,
a big smile on my face
and started to walk surely beside you.

I could hear more birds,
seagulls, jackdaws, ravens and sparrows.

I could smell your perfume and the sludges in the harbor.

I could feel small insects hitting my body, spider webs touching my face or the pleasant breeze going through my hair.

Coldness of shadows made by trees or buildings on my skin.

such a tender, delicate World!

And if there was a step or a slope:
a gentle tap on my hand resting in your elbow.