Today was the first day after almost 10 days I was home for breakfast and sat with Melika and Bjorn whose companies I had missed for a long time.
Had toasted bread with butter and cheese and Halva.
Then I went to ICA with Shahab and on the way back it started Snowing...
Aha something else, funny! :)
I woke up first around 7 and it was dark, went to WC and wrote a message and went to sleep again. around 12 I opened my eyes and I saw the blue sky with some random small white clouds and the sun was shining, :) You can not believe it, I JUMPED out of bed! :)
SUN!!!!!!!
:)
Then I ran to the balcony and let the cold fresh air deep in my longs and felt the sun on my face...
Ok I was talking about the snow! I got so excited, when I reached my room, I just sat on the bed and wrote a message to 12 friends! "Glad Snö!"
it snowed jusy 10 minutes and since the ground was warm, all of them melted but still, I think it was long enough to pump the excitement and happiness in my blood and trigger me sending a message to those who I wanted to share my happiness with!
All the day I was just going around, enjoying having no shoes or bras on, seeing people in the corridor.
I was invited to Clover and I could go with Batu or Constance's friends by car but I just got permission from Clover to stay home and enjoy being home on my own after a long time.
I feel good and kind of excited about tomorrow. The last Capoeira training of the year 2009 with Jens (since he is going to Brazil on Monday) and then we are going to have lunch with Capoeiristas and the Roda we are planning to have with guys from Stockholm.
I hope my toe does not bother so much since it still aches from the training on Wednesday.
I talked with Ali Samini and Maryam Adldoost on phone and I got a message from Khale Ana inviting me to Cannes for the christmass or new years eve to spend it with her and my cousines. I have to decide about time and she will buy me the ticket but I still am not sure about it.
We will see.
Love and Peace to all
Mahgol

Today,

is or better to say was the opening day of IPE! http://www.internationalpresence.se/overview...

Last night was the Julfest in one of the corridors in the school, seeing my teachers drunk!

Sleeping hoss Constance,

Today: hormons play a reinforcing role and "The Crush Gets Worse".

Today: Sleeping ON tables of a group room beside Clover and dream about funny strange stupid things.

Today is going to be continued in Capoeira training room and hoss Batu, havinga dinner with Larissa and enjoy last days she is spending here with us in Västerås.

Today is the day: I have not got my admission for the next course yet but the others have.

Today is: tomorrow is the deadline and the exam and the last day to pick the book up from library and last day to tell bostad västerås if I am staying or not!

Today is the day jag orkar inte mer!

Today I worked from 8 to 14, met my friends, got a free haircut, had fika with Afshin and went to Capoeira.

On te way back I tried to smile to people though it was dark, though it was cold, though I had trainingpain in my legs.

And then near the hospital I saw a man walking oppisite side, smiling to me and I felt so lucky and happy.

I listened to some musics while checking my emails and I missed Sam.



I get panicked thinking about the fact he was here two years and now he is not. There will be a time no everybody is here or I am not simply here any more....

Any way, life is like this. eller hur? och vi far forsatta!

kram pa er

MahGol

p.s. I have not forgotten saying the reactions and interpretations of the story in our Swedish class. (Just in case you follow ;))

We read this story in the Swedish class and it was so simple at the first glance but then when we discussed it longer then it became such a beautiful metaphoric one taht I felt like writing about it in the blog.

There was an old man who lived in a small cottage near the sea. His sons were dead, his first wife died soon and then the second one also died but he had just a daughter from the whole world. They liked each other so much and the girl was taking care of her father in a very good way.

Since they were living in a small twon, one day the girl told the father that she would like to go to a bigger city and experience life there, she wanted to study and work.

The day, she had packed and was ready to go, her father got a strange pain in his little finger in his laft hand and asked the girl not to leave until he becomes better. The girl who loved her father so much, stayed and after some mounth her father was better, one day he picked up the package they had bought from the store and the daughter said:

"Oh father you are all fine again!" and he said: "yes it looks like that".

She started to pack and this time, the father got a very bad pain in his back that could hardly move, the girl stayed to help the father and feed him while he was lying on the bed, six, seven months later he came out of the bed and he looked healthy again, so the girl shouted happily: "Oh look father you are all fine again", She wanted to go then but it was soon winter so she stayed and decided to go in Spring...

The flowers showed up and the trees got newl leaves after the snow melted, she packed and wanted to go when his father went blind this time. He could absolutely not see anything! She unpacked and became his father's eyes, day and night, taking care of him and being nice to him, after some mounths he suddenly started to see and the girl decided to go before anything else happened to her father.

She put on her clothes and got ready to say goodbye to her father,

This time, there appeared a wound in the father's right hand's palm and then another one in his left hand, and they started to bleed, she went after doctor and when they got back he actually had got two other wounds in his left and right feet and they were bleeding too.

He had so much pain and they could not help him. He got a deep wound in the side of his chest and it also started to bleed.

It was before eastern and the daughter was taking care of her father, but it did not help that much.

He got worse and got some wounds around his head, they bleeded alot too and he died the day after eastern.

They went to the funeral and everybody was telling the girl that now she is free and can go fo her distany.

She waited some days and afterward she decided to leave the house. She got her suitcase and came out.

She took the frist step down to the street and she felt a huge pain in her little finger if her left hand, she continued but then there was a untolerable pain in her back, they pain made her bend but she took went down to the third step and suddenly the whole world became balck! She went blind. She was searching for help so she almost rolled down the last and fourth step when she felt warmness of blood in her palms, then her feet and the side of her chest, last thing she felt before dying was a burning feeling of pain around her head...

OK!

My reaction was! vad fannn! Svenska literatur! men...

but I will let you think a little bit and then I will come back with some pieces of extra information and our discussions in the class which were surprisingly enlightening! :)

I think it is interesting!
Take it if you have time.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Are you eager about mine? I am an INFP, it means I am a healer. :)
It means that http://www.keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=3&c=healer
I gave these links on purpose because then if you get the test you can find out about your own personality thrugh them too.
By the way, thank for the comments, I did not know that I have to reply them. Dear Zita, Constance, Clover, Ali, Mahgol, Nomin and many other unknowns who left comments on my posts, I thank you so much and I appriciate that you spend time reading my posts and leaving messages. I think about them.

Jag bara underar,
why are we so shy and inconfident in expressing our emotions?
Are we afraid of that somebody make fun of us?
Are we afraid of loosing what we already have?
Is it not nice to tell the ones who we like or love or have simply a crush on?
Or maybe it is better to ask, what is the purpose of saying such a thing to the person? Just for getting it of our chest?
And Why am I making these sentences in plural form?
Just to prove that I am not alone in this?
Burak said it is cheating on your boyfriend if you say that you had a crush on another guy.
I consider this lovely friend of mine as a typical asshole but I think about what he says. At least I know that there are people who think like that....
Any way, this is exam period and in these kind of occassions I always feel like having an artistic exhibition or doing something out of norm of the society but rational according to my beliefs.
Jag tror att jag far sluta har.
vi hors
ha det jatte bra

Some times my mind is too fantasyful!

I am coming from Iran as you might know. Iran for me is still a land of poem, carpet, dance, fruite, sunshine, wine and music.

I was trying to play Berimbau properly the day before yesterday. I closed my eyes and tried to listen. Zarina and Cruja were trying to sing at the same time they were playing.
For me, Voice of human being and body's movements are the most genuine and beautiful pieces of art.
We get the result directly without any parasit in between. Human voice and the movement are the best ways for expressing what is going on in the inner world.

Other arts such as cinema, painting, handcrafts or even music, there is something in between, some tools, some device. I even donät like it when they place a microphone in front of the batteria.
Any way I wanted to do a comparison for you. I really hope I can make it. It comes deep from Persian poetric history.

Maybe you have heard of Rumi. (http://pt.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jalal_ad-Din_Muhammad_Rumi)
In the following poem that is kind of long, deep and ofcourse affected by being translated (think about Capoeira songs lyrics being translated to English and how they loose their meanings through this translation, but still make some sense) I was thinking about Berimbau instead of reed that is a kind of natural make flute as an old iranian musical instrument.
I think Capoeira music is natural and calming, it sitts in the soul and the musics and musical instruments come from nature, from where we come from and go back to.

I don't like Panderos made from plastic and metal.

In the following poem, as I said one can imagine reed as any Capoeira musical instrument, weeping can be considered as doing any Capoeira movement, the emphasis on gathering can be the importance of Roda and keeping groups such as happy and sad or men and women as audiances of the reed can be a point to the fact that now Capoeira is not just for a small group of special people.

But my main point is the part number 6!

Each befriended me for his own reasons, yet none searched out the secrets I contain.

This is what all Capoeiristas talks about Capoeira look like, any body has been doing Capoeira for her/his own personal reason and now in this poem the reed is nagging about not being completely comprehended, nobody has asked him what he axactly wanted to say with this loud sound, maybe it has been the shout of anger and the message of freedom before for the slaves but now?

The other parts I just kept them there to be loyal and not cut the poem in the middle.
I would like to invite you to pay special attention to the parts number 18-19-20-21 and 27-28 as well.
I am happy sharing this with you. I hope it is not too boring.

1. Listen to the reed and the tale it tells, how it sings of separation:
2. Ever since they cut me from the reed bed, my wail has caused men and women to weep.
3. I want a heart that is torn open with longing so that I might share the pain of this love.
4. Whoever has been parted from his source longs to return to that state of union.
5. At every gathering I play my lament. I'm a friend to both happy and sad.
6. Each befriended me for his own reasons, yet none searched out the secrets I contain.
7. My secret is not different than my lament, yet this is not for the senses to perceive.
8. The body is not hidden from the soul, nor is the soul hidden from the body, and yet the soul is not for everyone to see.
9. This flute is played with fire, not with wind, and without this fire you would not exist.
10. It is the fire of love that inspires the flute. It is the ferment of love that completes the wine.
11. The reed is a comfort to all estranged lovers. Its music tears our veils away.
12. Have you ever seen a poison or antidote like the reed? Have you seen a more intimate companion and lover?
13. It sings of the path of blood; it relates the passion of Majnun.
14. Only to the senseless is this sense confided. Does the tongue have any patron but the ear?
15. Our days grow more unseasonable, these days which mix with grief and pain. . .
16. but if the days that remain are few, let them go; it doesn't matter. But You, You remain, for nothing is as pure as You are.
17. All but the fish quickly have their fill of His water, and the day is long without His daily bread.
18. The raw do not understand the state of the ripe, and so my words will be brief.
19. Break your bonds, be free, my child! How long will silver and gold enslave you?
20. If you pour the whole sea into a jug, will it hold more than one day's store.
21. The greedy eye, like the jug, is never filled. Until content, the oyster holds no pearl.
22. Only one who has been undressed by Love is free of defect and desire.
23. O Gladness, O Love, our partner in trade, healer of all our ills,
24. Our Plato and Galen, remedy for our pride and our vanity.
25. With love this earthly body could soar in the air; the mountain could arise and nimbly dance.
26. Love gave life to Mount Sinai, O lover. Sinai was drunk; Moses lost consciousness.
27. Pressed to the lips of one in harmony with myself, I might also tell all that can be told;
28. but without a common tongue, I am dumb, even if I have a hundred songs to sing.
29. When the rose is gone and the garden faded, you will no longer hear the nightingale's song.
30. The Beloved is all; the lover just a veil. The Beloved is living; the lover a dead thing.
31. If Love withholds its strengthening care, the lover is left like a bird without wings.
32. How will I be awake and aware if the light of the Beloved is absent?
33. Love wills that this Word be brought forth.
34. If you find the mirror of the heart dull, the rust has not been cleared from its face.
35. O friends, listen to this tale, the marrow of our inward state.
--Version by Kabir Helminski. From "The Rumi Collection: An Anthology of Translations and Versions of Jalaluddin Rumi" (Putney, Vermont: Threshold Books, 1998), pp. 145-46. This is a revision of earlier versions ("Love is A Stranger," 1993, pp. 50-52; "Ruins of the Heart," 1981, pp. 19-20).

It looks like it always happens, just right in the moment you think everything is fine, some thing happens.
Where you think you might not be misunderstood or you don't need to think so much before talking, you get trapped!
My friend got irritated by what I said without thinking, actually maybe it was just a loud public thinking thing!
Deep people get hurt so rare but it takes so long to get back to the normal stage of friendship or closeness.
There is a wall, you can not see it but as you go closer you feel it pressing on you chest.
I hate it. I want it over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And just like always another parallel irelevant subject.

Yesterday I saw a patriot Finnish guy having a silver lion with a stick or a sward in his halsband.
And today on the way from Behrangs apartment to university's library I noticed another lion, standing proudly as a symbol of Goteborg maybe.
Any way as symbol of anything, it was not the symbol of sperm tank that it actually is.
Male lion is one of the least useful animals in the whole world. It just sitts or better to say lies on the grass under shaddow, eat what the females have hunted, ibland roars and gärna mates! and that is it and it is almost all around the world the symbol of power, dignity and royalty. but actually the last one maybe fitts ;)

A long day is about to finish just two hours before another one starts.
Today was sunday, I woke around 8 by a pleasant call from Iran.
I slept again and woke up kind of late to get on Capoeira training on time but I went anyway because Jag orkar inte missa till och med en gang.
It was so nice training with Music first and then Maculele.
Today we did some group organized movements, very nice.
Then I had a nice chat with Zarrina in Spicy hot and then got home, changed and went to Rebecca for fike, directly from Rebeccas place we went to Tango with Romain.
After Tango I came home, checked my emails chatted with Sam and made food and had dinner with Afshin and Shahab, then at around 10 the serious stuff started to get started when Shahab asked to swe his torn pillow, I did so and then got back to work.
One job application.
One email to thesis supervisor and some paragraphs on Thesis and address finding for seminar tomorow.
:)
It is 3:37 in the morning and I have to wake up at 6 to get ready and go to station to get the train at 7:22!
Tomorrow will be finished at around 10 in Vikseng.
I need a big basic chakra for tomorrow!
Hope you all sleep well and get enough of it
:)
Have a great start for the week!
P.s. Frenchy got some sleep finally. You could see it in her face, fresh and shiny eyes like before!

Today I tried Ice Skating. I had never done it before.
I was scared and excited. It felt like the first time I wanted to jump in the deep part of the swiming pool, the first time I kknew my father is going to let me bicycle alone, the first time I was going to ask Jens to let me stand on my hands on myself and let the support.
There is this Psychology Today magazine I want to read so badly, it sits on my desk waiting for me finishing my articles and books which are VIPs.
There are two books I would love to read about autism and interpersonal communication and they are also waiting for swedish inlamnings to get klara and the lexur in form i fokus to get skrev...
There are two inlamnings and lot of ovning in form i fokus waiting for me to finish the first draft of my thesis and then go and halsa pa dem,
And the poor first draft is waiting for me to finish all my daily habbits which I'm trapped in.
:)
I repeat this which is called life, everyday and the good things is that, there is never a time I can say:
"I am bored, there is nothing to do"

A come to B and want to tell something!
B says:
Have you passed what you want to tell me from the three filters?
A says:
Which three filters?
B says:
If you are sure that what you are going to tell me is 100% true.
If it makes me happy
or at least I benefit from it.
A thought a bit and said:
What I wanted to say was just something I heard and I am not sure if it is true, it for sure makes you sad or angry and it has in fact no use for you to know it.
then B said:
So please keep it for your self and try to fogret it as soon as possible.

What do you think? Is life boring if we do so or is it more pleasant?

These days I am reading more about Interpersonal Communicatio and it has caused me cancelling a lot of my communicational activities such as going to lunch at Constance's place, joining "normal" students from Swedish course fikaing in the student union pub, going to Clover's halloween party, going to preparty in Nikka's place, following Afshin and Elham to Kåren, going to Capoeira training and so on, but

It has been handful from some scientific perspectives.

I have not only learnt about attachment theory but also four different theoretical perspectives defining the maning of emotion:

It includes: Darwinian, Jamesian, Cognitive and Social Constructive theoretical perspectives.

• The first one as it is kind of obvious from its name, is based on the evolutional theory of Darwin. Scientists following this theoretical perspective, believe that our emotions which can be mainly devided in 6 basic foundamental emotions of happiness, sadness, fear, disgust, surprise and anger are some kinds of survival actions evolved from animals.


• The second one is based on William James ideas and is described as follows: (I should estate it completely and exactly as it is found in the article by Cornelius becasue honestly I don't understand it)

"bodily changes follow directly the perception of the exciting fact, and our feeling of the same changes as the occur is the emotion!"

• In the third perspective which is cognitive and is considered as the dominant theoretical perspective in this field it is all about the appraisal process in our brain and followers of this schools believe that emotions and thoughts are inseperable.


• The fourth and last perspective says that emotions can be fully understood only on a social level of analysis and it is because they are mainly productions of culture.

But the funny thing is that I logged in the weblog account to express my stress from yesterday as a sunny day in Sweden after severalllllll cloudy dark days.

I had never experienced it before:

It was such a nice weather that I got pannicked! I did not know what to do to use it in a good way and get the advantage of SUN.

I exposed myself to sun in the balcony just right after I woke up before I felt like freezing and got in, later I ate my backed potato in the middle of the corridor, in front of the toiletts coz there was the only place that I could some sun shine from the emergency exit at the end of the long corridor!

Then I slept with theshades down!

I was not sleeping I spent the whole DAY (which actually was not that long!) but I could not go out because I had to study and I could not study for I was feeling like I would miss too much by being inside in such a sunny day!

OK! Welcome to solve the problem. :)

I will be back with more Communicational, emotional stuff.

Love and Peace to You!

Yes you! :)

Hi!

Which one are you?

•Secures are having positive images of themselves and others it helps them to be sSelf-sufficient and comfortable with intimacy, they seek a balance of autonomy and closeness withing their relationships.

•Dismissives, with positive images of themselves but negative of others are fiercely independant, trying to prove they don’t need anybody, they dislike relying on others and their personal activities are prioritized over relationships.

•Preoccupieds have positive images of others while having negative images of themselves, it makes them seem just opposite to dismissives. They crave intimacy, cling to their relationships and they are afraid of getting abondoned.

•Fearfuls ore the poor ones who have negative images of themselves and others and it is usually because they have been hurt or rejected in past relationships, they are afraid of getting close to anybody, though they like the security of close relationship.

- from Attachment theory with a communicative perpective By Laura K. Guerrero

Recently I have been so much stressed and have been thinking and giving myself the right of feeling, it has been too much and I need a pause.

But, the point is taht , there is no pause out there, these seconds will not wait for any body for any reason, at least in no way that I am aware of!

Maybe life is these daily struggles to get along with Swedish homeworks, Ös and Us, Cheap tickets to Stockholm, Articles from the Master in Communication, Finding a way to support yourself financially, getting in the good mood for the Tango sessions and keeping up and not giving up with Capoeira. meanwhile, you should try not to let your friends and family down, keep an eye on your foods and clouthes and ...
And at last but not least, finishing the master taht got started two years ago!

Wish me good luck with pushing my mental borders and overcomming stress.

I don't find myself beautiful.

I don't think I have a good body.

I even don't belive that I am sweet or funny but I think

I have a good heart and I am so happy about it.

I am filled with love and I feel valuable.

I think I have the mission to keep it so or even make it better.

I love you and I love myself in love.

Sam!

It feels bad here in Västerås without you, though Germany is in der nähe!

stor KRAM

Jag pratar om mig och du pratar om oss.

Jag, jag, jag och jag...

Det är så trevligt när hjärtat blommar.

I know these years will pass like other years that passed.
And I will sit there look at the fire with my weak eyes. sigh and try to stand up. my knees will be unable to carry my light body.
I will think about the huge amount of Energy and Love I had when I was young.
I have too much to give.

I am sitting on the floor, infront of an off TV and a tea table in Rumineh's stuga!
It is outside Goteborg, at the gulf. The view is fantastic but the air cyrclation is awful.
It has used to be a double parking before the owners who live next door, decide to renovate(!) and rent it out.
There is just one door/window to the back yard facing the gulf which is not fixable and goes back and forth with everysingle wind coming from the sea. and no other windows are openable in this cottage!
I am making Fesenjoon which is a traditional Iranian food for her to thank for the place she offered me to stay these days in Goteborg.
The meeting with Anrzej from Chalmers Innovation went cute well and then I met Behrang and After that Fateh and got my Swedish books back.
I have a permanant headache from the caos in my mind. I am thinking about Shahab and me thses days.
I just don't understand why did he do this to me. why did he kill the love? It was so beautiful and now I try hard but it does not work yet and does not seem to work soon.
It has been just two days that I have been out from Vasteras but I already miss it. Maybe that is becaue I look at this town as a home to be and I don't like it. It i too crowded in comparison with our little cute Vasteras.
I miss my Capoeira bodies and Clover.
I have got a temporary "no" for my visa application but I have given some explanations and hope it leeds my case to a "yes".
So much to think about. So much to wait for. So much to decide and take the responsibility of!
And still so much to be happy and proud about.
Today on the wy back home I passed by a dagis and one of the small boys called me and asked me: "Vad heter du?"
And I said: "Mahgol"
He said:"Mahgol?" and smiled.
He pronounced my name better than any body else since two years ago in Sweden!
Självklart! he has no limmitations to learn and no default set of names to refere. He has an open mind to all new things. He was actually so smart and after the second sentence he said with his Göteborisk dialekt: "Men du pratar köööönstig!" and I laughed alot. I am not sure if he had noticed my Västeråsian accent or persian swedish accent!
Oh and one more thing, he also noticed taht I am not Swede taht I think is kind of smart since he was just five. He asked me: "Var bor du?" and I said"Där börta!" and he said: "Jag bor is Sverige! Var bor du?", then I noticed taht he apparently was sking about my nationality because he took of his cap and showed me his hair and pointed to my fizzy long black hair! :)
Then I said:"Jag bor i Västerås men jag koomer från Iran och nu måste jag går och lagar mat!".
It was nice to talk with them and see how nice they can be before learning from society to be conservative and play with their mobiles instead of talking to present people.
all the left Love and peace to you!
kram

It looks like it is really starting again. I mean school and serious life!

I felt the summer time this summer, as I used to feel it when I was a student going to school.

Lots of traveling, lots of swiming, lots of playing and experiencing new things and meeting new people.

Today I sent some emails and made some phone calls about my thesis and it really felt like "Back to work".

It used to happen during the school, like all the past 21 years of lmy life, that I would have some task to do and if I did not succeed to finish before a long vacation (either new year or summer), I would have made the whole vacation bitter as poisen for myself, thinking about it and I would have doe absolutely nothing! Then in just a couple of days or weeks I could finish the whole shit!

My expectation from the thesis work is the same. The hwole summer I thought about it and I canceled a lot of things because of it and did almost nothing, but now after the summer I feel like I know what to do and it has got a very good start.

Let see what happenes.

I promise to keep you posted.