I am a person who needs to make extreme decisions in order to be able to keep them...

I am thinking of some good steps in my life that should be taken or should have been taken long a go...

I will start with them during the holidays and will continue for the new year.

It is good excuse ro revise.

Alcohol and red meet are among tose to avoid even more than before.

There might be some more to be shared here and some to be kept for myself.

I defenately miss some parts f the old Mahgol. I will build a better one.

Today was a long day and I am so tired but I am happy.

I will have some days just sitting and reading and writing, playing Berimbau and dealing ith my sick toe.

I am writing in the notebook I recieved from Clover as a presant. I enjoy it a lot! I am oldfashioned , I know it and I like it.

I hope Coop xra is open tomorrow. I have to go and buy bread for Melika and Bjorn, We ate their bread without teling them this morning and forgot to buy them new ones. They will have no breakfast, it would be very embaressing.

Please be open dear Coop Extra.

Good night from Me and Mushi! the Cat who is sleeping easy minded on my bed deside the armed Berimbau.

Today I had a look on Christian's Favorite musics he introduced in his profile.

Some of them are really good.

I don't know, me and music, sounds like a very bad and strange combination. I think to my self, there has been told much of those I struggle to say and it can really help to liten to music as it can help to read books or talk to people or watch movies and I always missed it.

The fact is that I get too involved in anything so they put great influences on me.

I was thinking and wrote about Lode yesterday and he called me with his Dutch number and I got so surprised but as always I missed the call I was not expecting but could make me so happy.

I am thinking abd believing other lives we had before coming to this world more and more as time passes. I want to get them serious. There are just a few people who I feel strongly connected to and I find no reason for it and maybe I am fooling myself but the only thing can be possible bonding we had in other lives....

I am going to take it a little bit more serious but keep the balance not to fall from the other side as Shahab tells me always and ofcourse my mom used to say too.

Burak and Constance are leaving, Edris is coming to visit and Elham is already here. I sent the task we had to send to Håkan 5 days ago.

I am sich and I prefere to stay at home but I have to return some books to library and they are already one day late... and I have to see Constane and Burak and hug them for the last time in 2009.

We got the answer from Migrationsverket. Our case got rejected. We should try another way.

I thought of borrowing a Berimbau from the group and Daniel said it is not a problem, the only thing is taht I have to try to get him to the city so that he can open the door and I can get one, or I can ask Christian to do it, he lives closer to the training place.

Any way, things to do, still Magnus and Anna Carin and Anna ANARCHY have not recieved my uppsats and it is not bra!

snow sitting at my wwindow and no clover in the other side of the city, with a distance of 20 SEK.

The first part is just going to be written because I donät want some thing else sitting on my chest or shouldder or any other place as a "to be finished soon" thing.

About the story from Swedish literature:

Some people wit religious background said:

"One can think so that the father and daughter both had a very good ending just like jesus! Now they can live together for ever happily..."

Some more rational ones like Burak said:

"I think the metaphoric resimbplance here is that, thei daughter took those steps down to death as she decided to stay each and everytime his father petended to be sick and needing her though maybe at the back of her heart she knew they were not real untill at the end they got trapped with the real sicknesses and problem taht was out of their hands finally."

It looked like a big group of students agreed with Burak after thinking an getting completely what he ment and it included me and Clover as well.

I thought about it so much and I can see simmilar situations in my pwn life and in Shahab's life.

It looks like some times we make some decisions with not being clear with ourselves at the moment though later we can find good excuses for them or even at the moment trying to convience ourselves with reason taht might be good enough fo rthe whole world but deep inside we don't believe in them and then I can say taht it always gets you some where in a similar situation where you really can find no way escaping...

I enjoyed this variety of interpretations. there were some other suggestions that apparently were result of that the suggestion giver was eighther not have been thinking about the subject or not read the story completely that does not worth mentioning. (Now here, Clover is laughing and Burak might be saying, you know Mahgol? I like you when you are really straight forward) :)

And now the second part which is the reason I logged in...

I want to write about inside:

I feel like a woman!

Yesterday I wanted to be mom...

Hormons? Maybe!

Age? Maybe!

Weather? No! not this one!

I feel far from Mahgol. She is not being considered by me. Me old one has become just like a memory AGAIN!

Why do I say again? sure I will explain. garna!

I have had this feeling before. I feel like I even don't know the old Mahgol.I can look at her in my mind and it feels like looking at completely different person who I rarely know and understand.

Today I went to training room by mistake! there was no training! Language problem? Maybe they said it in Swedish but I did not get it and I was quite sure I heard some body said: Ses pa Sondag! any way.. then I tried to go to Constane and give her what I had bought here but she did not answer my message and has not done it yet after 8 hours, then i went and visited a middle age lady I know living in the city. We had tea and she showed me all the pictures she had and now I know whole her family. I got surprised by my patience with her though I had a hard headache and I just thought about the old times I used to spend a lot of time with mormor or farmor... I like old people. I think I understand them.

I feel like I can do something with my life but I have the feeling taht this something is so much far from where I am now or where I am heading to... I even have not started to get an idea were it ca be,,, but no wait a moment, I am sure I should work in a way taht at the end it helps others, I think that is the only thing taht can make me keep ging on.

A lot of things is my mind, in my painful head...

Did Lode come and go already?

When is Marta leaving to S. Africa?

What is barnkalas taht Christian was going to today? I know knitkalas but barnkalas?

:)

I bought the presants I wanted to give to two couples I know and have got baby recently but It looks like I can never do it since they were not home this week and my phone stopped working properly when I was trying to set a time with them.

I am eager what is Clover doing in S.B and I wonder if my aunt got disappointed taht I did not accept her invitation for going to Cannes.

And Sam...

Soon it is his birthday and I don't want to forget it but anyway I have no adress to send a card or no number to call.

va amma eshgh...

Today was a day of thinking about Shahab, listening to Siavash Ghomeishi and getting up and down by different clear memories taht are popping up and injecting strong feeling of memories in my heart...

I have to finish a lot of things I have started but life is a simple hard puzzle.

I got an emai about a couple getting married 5 days before the girl dies of Cancer...

I don't know who to admire. but the thing is taht it is beautiful and so much like the LIFE I can imagine. the so much NOW identity of it mixed with a great flavour of LOVE...

God I feel good with these people.

and this is my laptop background now.

If we had not heard that this is wrong and that is right...

if we were confident about ourselves...

if we were not so much afraid of getting rejected...

and if we were living aware of that we might not see the sun tomorrow,

We would have lived much more better tror jag!

We would have said to the ones we loved that we love them.

We would have told the ones who we cared about taht we care about them,

we would have told our friends more often that they look beautiful today or the colour orange suites them,

We would have written or said to our friends more often that we were thinking about them...

We would have turned off the bicycle lights that were left on,,,

we would have said hi more often to the ones wiping the snow from the side walk in front of their home more often...

we would have made hot chocolate and drank it with the guys sitting in those noisy cars cleaning the streets in the long cold dark nights...

we would have been living better if we were not just thinking and talking like me and would have taken action instead like those few, rare ones in the world...

Today was the first day after almost 10 days I was home for breakfast and sat with Melika and Bjorn whose companies I had missed for a long time.
Had toasted bread with butter and cheese and Halva.
Then I went to ICA with Shahab and on the way back it started Snowing...
Aha something else, funny! :)
I woke up first around 7 and it was dark, went to WC and wrote a message and went to sleep again. around 12 I opened my eyes and I saw the blue sky with some random small white clouds and the sun was shining, :) You can not believe it, I JUMPED out of bed! :)
SUN!!!!!!!
:)
Then I ran to the balcony and let the cold fresh air deep in my longs and felt the sun on my face...
Ok I was talking about the snow! I got so excited, when I reached my room, I just sat on the bed and wrote a message to 12 friends! "Glad Snö!"
it snowed jusy 10 minutes and since the ground was warm, all of them melted but still, I think it was long enough to pump the excitement and happiness in my blood and trigger me sending a message to those who I wanted to share my happiness with!
All the day I was just going around, enjoying having no shoes or bras on, seeing people in the corridor.
I was invited to Clover and I could go with Batu or Constance's friends by car but I just got permission from Clover to stay home and enjoy being home on my own after a long time.
I feel good and kind of excited about tomorrow. The last Capoeira training of the year 2009 with Jens (since he is going to Brazil on Monday) and then we are going to have lunch with Capoeiristas and the Roda we are planning to have with guys from Stockholm.
I hope my toe does not bother so much since it still aches from the training on Wednesday.
I talked with Ali Samini and Maryam Adldoost on phone and I got a message from Khale Ana inviting me to Cannes for the christmass or new years eve to spend it with her and my cousines. I have to decide about time and she will buy me the ticket but I still am not sure about it.
We will see.
Love and Peace to all
Mahgol

Today,

is or better to say was the opening day of IPE! http://www.internationalpresence.se/overview...

Last night was the Julfest in one of the corridors in the school, seeing my teachers drunk!

Sleeping hoss Constance,

Today: hormons play a reinforcing role and "The Crush Gets Worse".

Today: Sleeping ON tables of a group room beside Clover and dream about funny strange stupid things.

Today is going to be continued in Capoeira training room and hoss Batu, havinga dinner with Larissa and enjoy last days she is spending here with us in Västerås.

Today is the day: I have not got my admission for the next course yet but the others have.

Today is: tomorrow is the deadline and the exam and the last day to pick the book up from library and last day to tell bostad västerås if I am staying or not!

Today is the day jag orkar inte mer!

Today I worked from 8 to 14, met my friends, got a free haircut, had fika with Afshin and went to Capoeira.

On te way back I tried to smile to people though it was dark, though it was cold, though I had trainingpain in my legs.

And then near the hospital I saw a man walking oppisite side, smiling to me and I felt so lucky and happy.

I listened to some musics while checking my emails and I missed Sam.



I get panicked thinking about the fact he was here two years and now he is not. There will be a time no everybody is here or I am not simply here any more....

Any way, life is like this. eller hur? och vi far forsatta!

kram pa er

MahGol

p.s. I have not forgotten saying the reactions and interpretations of the story in our Swedish class. (Just in case you follow ;))