OK! OK! OK!
I can not explain it! so what?
I just enjoy my time standing and walking beside you and looking at you and listening to you.
It is not sexual and it can not get sexual but it is something new and so interesting!
I love it.
I am happy to experience it!
Just like this: :-D

You are just like an addiction:
A sweet and pleasant one!

I can feel the flow of calmness and happiness from you to me, the strong gentle flow that fills my heart when I see you and your sweet smile.

The only word that can describe my status after leaving you is “trance”!

Tonight!
This very moment!
This very place!
Here I am with you!
We go on, till one finishes the other.
You and your smell.
You and your taste.
You and your trance.
You...

Either you like it or not,
I love you, I miss you, I dream about you....

This morning,
Somewhere between the awakes' world and sleepings', I touched your arm under the blue stripped shirt you have.
I could smell you,
The hardness of your muscles and your kind smile.
I could feel the love in the room.

How does it work with "missing" somebody?

Who are then ones that we miss them and

why do we miss them?

Should we tell them when we miss them?

I don't know the answers to these questions exactly but I think:

There is a characteristic in any relationship and there is something flowing between two individuals when they have any kind of relationship.

Whenever you need what you get from a special human link, then you miss the one who you find it with him or her.

And I think "YES", it is very important that you let others know if they are important for you or you miss them. And more important is that I think it does not matter how they interpret it but it matters how you interpret it honestly with yourself.

If you consider it complicated it becomes complicated but if you take it easy it goes easy.

Love and Peace to You!

It has been a while I was not so happy and calm.
It might sound strange to you but I am spending the most relaxing-stressing time of my life.
There are many people who I like to spend time with them.
there are couple of them who I really love!
I mean, I enjoy just being where they are. I enjoy seeing them smile or listen to their voice and I let my self go.
I just try to love and get love and find it something like LIFE!
I am exploring some abilities of my body taht I did not have any idea about them at all.
I am happy that is what I can say.

There is somewhere in my chest, little bit to the left.
It becomes hard or painful or squeezing or... I don't know how to explain it, whenever I miss some one or some where or some thing.
It happens when I want some thing and I know that it is not possibe any more.
It happens when I think of my youngest uncle or my grandmother or my kompis who left me last year.
It can happen when I call a family to say: "Happy new year" and they don't pick up and there is no answering machine!
It can happen when I call a friend to ask if I can help for the party I am invited to next day and I hear people saying goodbye and I find out about my mistake in the date of the party.
It can happen when I leave my camera in a taxi on the way to the airport in Poznan.
It can happen when I can not find my mobile in my pocket, nor in my backpack and not even under loads of snow the day after!
It can happen when I enter the house and I smell my fathers perfume who just left for a week trip and I wanted to say goodbye to him before he leaves.
It can happen when I saw an empty bed, abondoned, where an aziz used to lie on but not any more.
It might look sad, the text I have written. But it is not.
It is just deep inside.
Love
Happy Norouz
signiture: MahGol

What do you think?
Should one fall in love just with one person at a time?
Should all the loves end in sex?
Is it a big deal to fall in love with your gay boy friend if you are a girl?
If it is not love what is it that you just enjoy sitting near him and smiling to his face?
Is there any wrong love?
Should you stop yourself from loving or should we love as much as we can?

I sit with my back to the window so that I don't see the snow outside.
It has become so long this year.
I want sun on my skin.

Is it a big sin to miss you?

In this cold night, I've miss your hands, your shoulder and the special boom tuk of your kind heart.

I've missed your eyes, your smile and your voice.

There is no complain.

I love you even more than before and it is none of your business.
It is all on my own as it has always been.

Don't worry my dear.
You live your life and I do mine.
No responsibility as you wished!
Lots of missings as I wished!

Did it ring? Am I late?
Why is it so bright everywhere? Is it noon? Is it morning? Is it moonlight? Or is it just the lights in the street?
There is no way you can get the time by looking out in this cursed land.
Why am I all wet?
Is it that warm here?
was it a bad dream?
.
.
.
absolutely no clue...
I should wake up, but I am already awake. I am tired. It feels like I have not closed my eyes even for a moment.
I am such an asshole. I am wasted. I am broken. I even don't have enough energy to come out of this fucking bed.
Maybe it is better to stay and spoil between these cheap IKEA sheets, after days and nights that don't differ that much.
It has been so long I have been crowling in the bed...
It might be already noon.
.
.
.
Oh shit! It just started ringing.
I press the snooze button and try to look at the digital clock on my slim, red mobile with my burning eyes that I can hardly open them.
It is 8...
I have wasted at least two hours that I could sleep easily.
I will have my class in one hour.
I have to take a shower. I smell like shit.
.
.
.
two hours later I am still sitting on my bed.
looking at my feet or fingers or squeezing some pimples on my arms . . .
I lost my morning class.
I am so thirsty. I don't have the energy to go to the kitchen and take a glass of water.
what day is it today?
.
.
.
I lie in the bed and curse my self.
I hate this lazy creature.

It is so freezing here.
I don't dare to go out.
I feel like freezing on the way home.
Actually it is not that cold when you measure it with a termometer. But I feel cold.
I feel so lonely.
Far from where I should be.
Far from who I want to be with.
and the worst part is that this distance can not be reduced easily.
It is not just Phisycal!

When I meet a good person, I mean a real good one! who does not harm people but also helps, I feel like shit!
I miss my old version.
I like to be less and less complicated just like this, as I am.
But these habbits that we are trapped in them.
These ropes of "others"!
I think gradually I have started to know what I want and what I don't.
It needs so much effort to live the way you want not the way you are expected to.
I am trying to do my best :)

As time passes I feel more and more like, I am so simple.
It is easy to predict me.
I am just a girl like others.

With the same weeknesses and strenghts.

Though improvement has been my intention as long as I remember,
But
There has been no more improvements that the ones whose intention has been other things.

Life goes and we go as a small part of it.
I am suffering and I value it so much.
I will be stronger as a consequence of this suffering!
but for what?
I tell you.
for more sufferings :)
That is my life.

I was in US for the summer and now I am back in my second home, SWEDEN.
I think the first year of study here has been so fruitful for I can understand the topics in the lectures this year easier though they are more difficult in comparison to the first year.
I feel so good.
Two of my best friends here in sweden have moved to the building in which I live.
So I am no more feeling alone.
In my head, I have summeries of several interesting articles and I have set my goal on finding and getting a PHD position either in Sweden or any other country for a long term target but first I should prepare a good master thesis.

.
.
.
This does not work in English,
Sorry!

You are my life.
You are my love.
Not only I say, But I realy mean it.

When I decided to get out of Iran, one of the ideas was that I felt trapped in Iran, with closed boundaries and district rules for Iranians who apply for other countries visa. I love to move. I love to have to ability of going from one place to another place. I can live on this aim of getting financially and internationally able of doing it.

I got United Sates of America's visa. I am now in San Francisco.The city is one of the most beautiful places in the world. Golden gate bridge and all other land marks in the county.

I got the news the second day in USA. A friend called me. "What's up Vaheed?", I had recieved an email from him which was sent four days ago but I did not have access to internet. "Nothing dear, I sent the email on the day Shahab's father died, now it ...", I could not hear the rest. what was he talking about? I talked with Shahab yesterday and he told me nothing about it. I told him about the dream I had about his father and asked him about the sorrow in his voice, but he said. "Nothing darling, nothing to worry. Enjoy yourself. Safe trip.". I hardly finished the conversation with Vaheed and got out of the club.

We were in a club in Pacific heights. It was a persian party with two Iranian DJs. I came out and stood beside all smokers and could not help myself, not crying. I cried behind a tree, facing the pavement in Van Ness Ave.. I felt so trapped. I have no enough money to go back. I even can not afford calling my darling and talking to him. I am trapped in heaven. That is what a friend called it when she heard of my visa issuance.

Yes! we can be trapped in heaven. It depends on your mood. It depends on your demands. It depends all on you.I was happy in hell and now suffering in heaven. What the hell is going on?

Happy between friends?
Thinking of the loved ones who are far physically but ...
How vast can a man be? I spread from east coast of Japan to west coast of America.

Between 3rd and 17th of April I went back home to Iran and visited my boyfriend and my parents, siblings and relatives. It was sweet and in the same time, terrible: I did not want to come back!
My parents had become older than 8 months ago that I had said goodbye to them and traveled to Sweden. I could easily notice that.
I also could notice the irritating distance between me and my boyfriend. There was a gap in between. we had so much to say but we also did not want to spend our short time in talking about others and .... it was no good.
Some friends say that they used to think that I am stronger but now they feel like I am not. But I think I am strong but it is just a matter of emotions and the time which is sunning cruelly.
I am thinking hard about life. It is going so fast that I even don't have enough time to think about past and make decisions for future since the very predictable future becomes present and past in a glance and the very far furture is not predictable at all....
I am just going dizzy...