Did it ring? Am I late?
Why is it so bright everywhere? Is it noon? Is it morning? Is it moonlight? Or is it just the lights in the street?
There is no way you can get the time by looking out in this cursed land.
Why am I all wet?
Is it that warm here?
was it a bad dream?
.
.
.
absolutely no clue...
I should wake up, but I am already awake. I am tired. It feels like I have not closed my eyes even for a moment.
I am such an asshole. I am wasted. I am broken. I even don't have enough energy to come out of this fucking bed.
Maybe it is better to stay and spoil between these cheap IKEA sheets, after days and nights that don't differ that much.
It has been so long I have been crowling in the bed...
It might be already noon.
.
.
.
Oh shit! It just started ringing.
I press the snooze button and try to look at the digital clock on my slim, red mobile with my burning eyes that I can hardly open them.
It is 8...
I have wasted at least two hours that I could sleep easily.
I will have my class in one hour.
I have to take a shower. I smell like shit.
.
.
.
two hours later I am still sitting on my bed.
looking at my feet or fingers or squeezing some pimples on my arms . . .
I lost my morning class.
I am so thirsty. I don't have the energy to go to the kitchen and take a glass of water.
what day is it today?
.
.
.
I lie in the bed and curse my self.
I hate this lazy creature.

It is so freezing here.
I don't dare to go out.
I feel like freezing on the way home.
Actually it is not that cold when you measure it with a termometer. But I feel cold.
I feel so lonely.
Far from where I should be.
Far from who I want to be with.
and the worst part is that this distance can not be reduced easily.
It is not just Phisycal!

When I meet a good person, I mean a real good one! who does not harm people but also helps, I feel like shit!
I miss my old version.
I like to be less and less complicated just like this, as I am.
But these habbits that we are trapped in them.
These ropes of "others"!
I think gradually I have started to know what I want and what I don't.
It needs so much effort to live the way you want not the way you are expected to.
I am trying to do my best :)

As time passes I feel more and more like, I am so simple.
It is easy to predict me.
I am just a girl like others.

With the same weeknesses and strenghts.

Though improvement has been my intention as long as I remember,
But
There has been no more improvements that the ones whose intention has been other things.

Life goes and we go as a small part of it.
I am suffering and I value it so much.
I will be stronger as a consequence of this suffering!
but for what?
I tell you.
for more sufferings :)
That is my life.

I was in US for the summer and now I am back in my second home, SWEDEN.
I think the first year of study here has been so fruitful for I can understand the topics in the lectures this year easier though they are more difficult in comparison to the first year.
I feel so good.
Two of my best friends here in sweden have moved to the building in which I live.
So I am no more feeling alone.
In my head, I have summeries of several interesting articles and I have set my goal on finding and getting a PHD position either in Sweden or any other country for a long term target but first I should prepare a good master thesis.

.
.
.
This does not work in English,
Sorry!

You are my life.
You are my love.
Not only I say, But I realy mean it.

When I decided to get out of Iran, one of the ideas was that I felt trapped in Iran, with closed boundaries and district rules for Iranians who apply for other countries visa. I love to move. I love to have to ability of going from one place to another place. I can live on this aim of getting financially and internationally able of doing it.

I got United Sates of America's visa. I am now in San Francisco.The city is one of the most beautiful places in the world. Golden gate bridge and all other land marks in the county.

I got the news the second day in USA. A friend called me. "What's up Vaheed?", I had recieved an email from him which was sent four days ago but I did not have access to internet. "Nothing dear, I sent the email on the day Shahab's father died, now it ...", I could not hear the rest. what was he talking about? I talked with Shahab yesterday and he told me nothing about it. I told him about the dream I had about his father and asked him about the sorrow in his voice, but he said. "Nothing darling, nothing to worry. Enjoy yourself. Safe trip.". I hardly finished the conversation with Vaheed and got out of the club.

We were in a club in Pacific heights. It was a persian party with two Iranian DJs. I came out and stood beside all smokers and could not help myself, not crying. I cried behind a tree, facing the pavement in Van Ness Ave.. I felt so trapped. I have no enough money to go back. I even can not afford calling my darling and talking to him. I am trapped in heaven. That is what a friend called it when she heard of my visa issuance.

Yes! we can be trapped in heaven. It depends on your mood. It depends on your demands. It depends all on you.I was happy in hell and now suffering in heaven. What the hell is going on?

Happy between friends?
Thinking of the loved ones who are far physically but ...
How vast can a man be? I spread from east coast of Japan to west coast of America.

Between 3rd and 17th of April I went back home to Iran and visited my boyfriend and my parents, siblings and relatives. It was sweet and in the same time, terrible: I did not want to come back!
My parents had become older than 8 months ago that I had said goodbye to them and traveled to Sweden. I could easily notice that.
I also could notice the irritating distance between me and my boyfriend. There was a gap in between. we had so much to say but we also did not want to spend our short time in talking about others and .... it was no good.
Some friends say that they used to think that I am stronger but now they feel like I am not. But I think I am strong but it is just a matter of emotions and the time which is sunning cruelly.
I am thinking hard about life. It is going so fast that I even don't have enough time to think about past and make decisions for future since the very predictable future becomes present and past in a glance and the very far furture is not predictable at all....
I am just going dizzy...

These weeks we are all busy so much. Last semester in Mälardalens Högskolan it was so easy that is why many students planed to attend in some extra activities for this one and now we are all somehow trapped.
The previous course was named "Strategy Classics", it was trying to give us an idea about what strategy is and introduced some popular approaches to strategy.
Now we are dealing with some real strategic actions mostly in Industry and are supposed to find strategic actions in them and some how get to a kind of analysis.
So here we are.
On earth!
Sitting in a room with friends coming from all around the world.
Almost all continents.
It is fantastic!

NOTHING MORE

I made my contract with the truth
to restore light to the earth.

I wished to be like bread.
Te struggle never found me wanting.

But here I am
with what I loved,
with the solitude I lost.
In the shadow of that stone, I do not rest.

The sea is working,
working in my silence.

Pablo Neruda

Memories, far or close?

I miss him so often,

I miss the streets inwhich we used to walk,

I miss the caffees we used to sit in and talk.

I miss him so often.

If past is gone and future has not come,

Who are we?

Who are the people in our memories?

What are memories?

If past is gone and people in past are dead,

Who do I miss?

Who do I wish to kiss?

If future has not come and people in future are to be born,

Who will I meet?

In who will I leak?

I ask for Silence

Now they leave me in peace
Now they grow used to my absence.

I am going to close my eyes.

I wish for five things only,
five chosen touchstones.

One is prepetual love.

The second is to see the autumn.
I cannot exist without leaves
flying
and falling to earth.

The third is the solemn winter,
the rain I loved, the caress
of fire
in the rough cold.

Fourthly, the summer,
plump as a watermelon.

And, fifth, your eyes.
Matilda, my dear love,
I will not sleep wothout your eyes.
I will not exist but in your gaze.
I adjust the spring
for you to follow me with your eyes.

. . .

Pablo Neruda

The new course just started today.
Strategy Classics
The teacher seems funny and smart, the books are also readable. :)
I missed Zita so much today. We used to sit next to each other in the lectures and now she is in Budapest trying to finish her hard exams at her home university.
It is how life is. people come and go but you live with your desires and memories.
keep your fingers crossed for me for this hard, 5 week course.
:)

Birthday in Västerås!

On 4th of January I had my first birthday far from my family and home but it was so strange that I felt so much at home!
My aunt came to visit me from France and she was so kind inviting 8 of my friends for dinner on my birthday.
They all came and we cellebrated my birthday in a very nice resturant in te main street of Västerås!
I got so nice gifts from all my friends and even from one of them that was not there in the city.
I thank you my dear aunt, Anahita.
You are the best!
And I thank you all my dear friends who came and made my night!
And I thank you GOD if you are there.

First Christmass!
This year I experienced my firs christmass.
It was nice. We celebrated it with my friends who had also stayed here in V-ås and had not gone back home.
We had a nice dinner and then we had a short walk in the city and then went to the Church! It was really interesting for me.
I also kneed and had some blessed wine as Jusses Blood.
I enjoyed it so much.
I prayed there and asked GOD to bless the world and specially my family and country with love, peace and joy.
Merry Merry Christmass

It is simple

It is not a new invented need.

It has been there always.

I am a human beeing.

I miss him.

I want him here

exactly here

by my side!

Rescuing Hug

This is a picture from an article called, "The Rescuing Hug." The article details the first week of life of a set of twins. Apparently, each were in their respective incubators, and one was not expected to live. A hospital nurse fought against the hospital rules and placed the babies in one incubator. When they were placed together, the healthier of the two threw an arm over her sister in an endearing embrace. The smaller baby's heart rate stabilized and her temperature rose to normal.
They both survived, and are thriving! In fact, now that the two girls are home, they still sleep together, and still snuggle. The hospital changed their policy after they saw the effect of putting the two girls together, and now they bed multiples together.
Ensign magazine May '98 pg. 94 Adapted from the Readers Digest article "A Sister's Helping Hand" May 1996 Pp. 155-56

Big Girls you are beautiful by Mika

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, 'Hey girl you are beautiful'
Diet coke and a pizza please
Diet coke I'm on my knees
Screaming 'Big girl you are beautiful'

You take your skinny girl
Feel like I'm gonna die
'Cause a real woman
Needs a real man here's why

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lotta woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby

No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, 'Hey girl you are beautiful'
Diet coke and a pizza please
Diet coke I'm on my knees
Screaming 'Big girl you are beautiful'

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
[ Lyrics found at www.mp3lyrics.org/ak ]
Now a whole lotta woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby

No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby

No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Oh you are beautiful

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby

No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering the hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful

Zita my lovely hungerian friend toled me about his nice music. I love it and I also love her.