Today I was so down,

I was full of missings. There are some certain people, places, feelings, smells, tastes, sounds I am missing.

I watched at Capoeira movies on youtube for about three hours. I talked with Shahab online, Edris Called me, Tahereh Called me, Firouzeh Called me, Rebecca sent me a message Elham called me and I sent a message to Christian. I had lunch with Melika and asked Arash if he is always high!

I went to the library and gave a book Melika wanted to return and picked a book I had asked them to buy and reserved it!

Nobody, Nowhere from Donna Williams.

On teh way back from teh library, I went to the apotek and bought some Vitamin C and Magnesium pills.

Yesterday it was -19 degrees in Västerås but sun was shining and we did not want to miss it, on the other hand I had two guests from France via Couch Surfing and I wanted to be with them and show them around so after they had breakfast with Anoine's home made jam, we started walking to Björnö. it was soooooooo cold. we went by the harbour and took som pictures. It payed all the tiredness off when they were so excited standing, walking, running and then jumping on the frozen lake for the first time. They were playing frizby (?) on teh lake and in the snow...

It was fun to watch.

they digged the snow on teh frozen lake to see the ice and become sure they are standing on ICE.

We had lunch with Farahnaz and Mostafa and in teh evening Ebi and Farideh came with some food from Saleh's restaurang.

I am not sure if I should go to Johan and Silvia for the new years eve. (tomorrow night to be precise) or should I go to Ritta and Anton or should I simply stay at home.

I need some calm moments being with Mahgol.

People have started fireworks already from tonight, I can hear then and see them from my big window.

There is apicture of the french kid, excited on Mälaren!

p.s. I am so excited about the book. I want to make a tea, sit in my bed and read the book.

I am a person who needs to make extreme decisions in order to be able to keep them...

I am thinking of some good steps in my life that should be taken or should have been taken long a go...

I will start with them during the holidays and will continue for the new year.

It is good excuse ro revise.

Alcohol and red meet are among tose to avoid even more than before.

There might be some more to be shared here and some to be kept for myself.

I defenately miss some parts f the old Mahgol. I will build a better one.

Today was a long day and I am so tired but I am happy.

I will have some days just sitting and reading and writing, playing Berimbau and dealing ith my sick toe.

I am writing in the notebook I recieved from Clover as a presant. I enjoy it a lot! I am oldfashioned , I know it and I like it.

I hope Coop xra is open tomorrow. I have to go and buy bread for Melika and Bjorn, We ate their bread without teling them this morning and forgot to buy them new ones. They will have no breakfast, it would be very embaressing.

Please be open dear Coop Extra.

Good night from Me and Mushi! the Cat who is sleeping easy minded on my bed deside the armed Berimbau.

Today I had a look on Christian's Favorite musics he introduced in his profile.

Some of them are really good.

I don't know, me and music, sounds like a very bad and strange combination. I think to my self, there has been told much of those I struggle to say and it can really help to liten to music as it can help to read books or talk to people or watch movies and I always missed it.

The fact is that I get too involved in anything so they put great influences on me.

I was thinking and wrote about Lode yesterday and he called me with his Dutch number and I got so surprised but as always I missed the call I was not expecting but could make me so happy.

I am thinking abd believing other lives we had before coming to this world more and more as time passes. I want to get them serious. There are just a few people who I feel strongly connected to and I find no reason for it and maybe I am fooling myself but the only thing can be possible bonding we had in other lives....

I am going to take it a little bit more serious but keep the balance not to fall from the other side as Shahab tells me always and ofcourse my mom used to say too.

Burak and Constance are leaving, Edris is coming to visit and Elham is already here. I sent the task we had to send to Håkan 5 days ago.

I am sich and I prefere to stay at home but I have to return some books to library and they are already one day late... and I have to see Constane and Burak and hug them for the last time in 2009.

We got the answer from Migrationsverket. Our case got rejected. We should try another way.

I thought of borrowing a Berimbau from the group and Daniel said it is not a problem, the only thing is taht I have to try to get him to the city so that he can open the door and I can get one, or I can ask Christian to do it, he lives closer to the training place.

Any way, things to do, still Magnus and Anna Carin and Anna ANARCHY have not recieved my uppsats and it is not bra!

snow sitting at my wwindow and no clover in the other side of the city, with a distance of 20 SEK.

The first part is just going to be written because I donät want some thing else sitting on my chest or shouldder or any other place as a "to be finished soon" thing.

About the story from Swedish literature:

Some people wit religious background said:

"One can think so that the father and daughter both had a very good ending just like jesus! Now they can live together for ever happily..."

Some more rational ones like Burak said:

"I think the metaphoric resimbplance here is that, thei daughter took those steps down to death as she decided to stay each and everytime his father petended to be sick and needing her though maybe at the back of her heart she knew they were not real untill at the end they got trapped with the real sicknesses and problem taht was out of their hands finally."

It looked like a big group of students agreed with Burak after thinking an getting completely what he ment and it included me and Clover as well.

I thought about it so much and I can see simmilar situations in my pwn life and in Shahab's life.

It looks like some times we make some decisions with not being clear with ourselves at the moment though later we can find good excuses for them or even at the moment trying to convience ourselves with reason taht might be good enough fo rthe whole world but deep inside we don't believe in them and then I can say taht it always gets you some where in a similar situation where you really can find no way escaping...

I enjoyed this variety of interpretations. there were some other suggestions that apparently were result of that the suggestion giver was eighther not have been thinking about the subject or not read the story completely that does not worth mentioning. (Now here, Clover is laughing and Burak might be saying, you know Mahgol? I like you when you are really straight forward) :)

And now the second part which is the reason I logged in...

I want to write about inside:

I feel like a woman!

Yesterday I wanted to be mom...

Hormons? Maybe!

Age? Maybe!

Weather? No! not this one!

I feel far from Mahgol. She is not being considered by me. Me old one has become just like a memory AGAIN!

Why do I say again? sure I will explain. garna!

I have had this feeling before. I feel like I even don't know the old Mahgol.I can look at her in my mind and it feels like looking at completely different person who I rarely know and understand.

Today I went to training room by mistake! there was no training! Language problem? Maybe they said it in Swedish but I did not get it and I was quite sure I heard some body said: Ses pa Sondag! any way.. then I tried to go to Constane and give her what I had bought here but she did not answer my message and has not done it yet after 8 hours, then i went and visited a middle age lady I know living in the city. We had tea and she showed me all the pictures she had and now I know whole her family. I got surprised by my patience with her though I had a hard headache and I just thought about the old times I used to spend a lot of time with mormor or farmor... I like old people. I think I understand them.

I feel like I can do something with my life but I have the feeling taht this something is so much far from where I am now or where I am heading to... I even have not started to get an idea were it ca be,,, but no wait a moment, I am sure I should work in a way taht at the end it helps others, I think that is the only thing taht can make me keep ging on.

A lot of things is my mind, in my painful head...

Did Lode come and go already?

When is Marta leaving to S. Africa?

What is barnkalas taht Christian was going to today? I know knitkalas but barnkalas?

:)

I bought the presants I wanted to give to two couples I know and have got baby recently but It looks like I can never do it since they were not home this week and my phone stopped working properly when I was trying to set a time with them.

I am eager what is Clover doing in S.B and I wonder if my aunt got disappointed taht I did not accept her invitation for going to Cannes.

And Sam...

Soon it is his birthday and I don't want to forget it but anyway I have no adress to send a card or no number to call.

va amma eshgh...

Today was a day of thinking about Shahab, listening to Siavash Ghomeishi and getting up and down by different clear memories taht are popping up and injecting strong feeling of memories in my heart...

I have to finish a lot of things I have started but life is a simple hard puzzle.

I got an emai about a couple getting married 5 days before the girl dies of Cancer...

I don't know who to admire. but the thing is taht it is beautiful and so much like the LIFE I can imagine. the so much NOW identity of it mixed with a great flavour of LOVE...

God I feel good with these people.

and this is my laptop background now.

If we had not heard that this is wrong and that is right...

if we were confident about ourselves...

if we were not so much afraid of getting rejected...

and if we were living aware of that we might not see the sun tomorrow,

We would have lived much more better tror jag!

We would have said to the ones we loved that we love them.

We would have told the ones who we cared about taht we care about them,

we would have told our friends more often that they look beautiful today or the colour orange suites them,

We would have written or said to our friends more often that we were thinking about them...

We would have turned off the bicycle lights that were left on,,,

we would have said hi more often to the ones wiping the snow from the side walk in front of their home more often...

we would have made hot chocolate and drank it with the guys sitting in those noisy cars cleaning the streets in the long cold dark nights...

we would have been living better if we were not just thinking and talking like me and would have taken action instead like those few, rare ones in the world...

Today was the first day after almost 10 days I was home for breakfast and sat with Melika and Bjorn whose companies I had missed for a long time.
Had toasted bread with butter and cheese and Halva.
Then I went to ICA with Shahab and on the way back it started Snowing...
Aha something else, funny! :)
I woke up first around 7 and it was dark, went to WC and wrote a message and went to sleep again. around 12 I opened my eyes and I saw the blue sky with some random small white clouds and the sun was shining, :) You can not believe it, I JUMPED out of bed! :)
SUN!!!!!!!
:)
Then I ran to the balcony and let the cold fresh air deep in my longs and felt the sun on my face...
Ok I was talking about the snow! I got so excited, when I reached my room, I just sat on the bed and wrote a message to 12 friends! "Glad Snö!"
it snowed jusy 10 minutes and since the ground was warm, all of them melted but still, I think it was long enough to pump the excitement and happiness in my blood and trigger me sending a message to those who I wanted to share my happiness with!
All the day I was just going around, enjoying having no shoes or bras on, seeing people in the corridor.
I was invited to Clover and I could go with Batu or Constance's friends by car but I just got permission from Clover to stay home and enjoy being home on my own after a long time.
I feel good and kind of excited about tomorrow. The last Capoeira training of the year 2009 with Jens (since he is going to Brazil on Monday) and then we are going to have lunch with Capoeiristas and the Roda we are planning to have with guys from Stockholm.
I hope my toe does not bother so much since it still aches from the training on Wednesday.
I talked with Ali Samini and Maryam Adldoost on phone and I got a message from Khale Ana inviting me to Cannes for the christmass or new years eve to spend it with her and my cousines. I have to decide about time and she will buy me the ticket but I still am not sure about it.
We will see.
Love and Peace to all
Mahgol

Today,

is or better to say was the opening day of IPE! http://www.internationalpresence.se/overview...

Last night was the Julfest in one of the corridors in the school, seeing my teachers drunk!

Sleeping hoss Constance,

Today: hormons play a reinforcing role and "The Crush Gets Worse".

Today: Sleeping ON tables of a group room beside Clover and dream about funny strange stupid things.

Today is going to be continued in Capoeira training room and hoss Batu, havinga dinner with Larissa and enjoy last days she is spending here with us in Västerås.

Today is the day: I have not got my admission for the next course yet but the others have.

Today is: tomorrow is the deadline and the exam and the last day to pick the book up from library and last day to tell bostad västerås if I am staying or not!

Today is the day jag orkar inte mer!

Today I worked from 8 to 14, met my friends, got a free haircut, had fika with Afshin and went to Capoeira.

On te way back I tried to smile to people though it was dark, though it was cold, though I had trainingpain in my legs.

And then near the hospital I saw a man walking oppisite side, smiling to me and I felt so lucky and happy.

I listened to some musics while checking my emails and I missed Sam.



I get panicked thinking about the fact he was here two years and now he is not. There will be a time no everybody is here or I am not simply here any more....

Any way, life is like this. eller hur? och vi far forsatta!

kram pa er

MahGol

p.s. I have not forgotten saying the reactions and interpretations of the story in our Swedish class. (Just in case you follow ;))

We read this story in the Swedish class and it was so simple at the first glance but then when we discussed it longer then it became such a beautiful metaphoric one taht I felt like writing about it in the blog.

There was an old man who lived in a small cottage near the sea. His sons were dead, his first wife died soon and then the second one also died but he had just a daughter from the whole world. They liked each other so much and the girl was taking care of her father in a very good way.

Since they were living in a small twon, one day the girl told the father that she would like to go to a bigger city and experience life there, she wanted to study and work.

The day, she had packed and was ready to go, her father got a strange pain in his little finger in his laft hand and asked the girl not to leave until he becomes better. The girl who loved her father so much, stayed and after some mounth her father was better, one day he picked up the package they had bought from the store and the daughter said:

"Oh father you are all fine again!" and he said: "yes it looks like that".

She started to pack and this time, the father got a very bad pain in his back that could hardly move, the girl stayed to help the father and feed him while he was lying on the bed, six, seven months later he came out of the bed and he looked healthy again, so the girl shouted happily: "Oh look father you are all fine again", She wanted to go then but it was soon winter so she stayed and decided to go in Spring...

The flowers showed up and the trees got newl leaves after the snow melted, she packed and wanted to go when his father went blind this time. He could absolutely not see anything! She unpacked and became his father's eyes, day and night, taking care of him and being nice to him, after some mounths he suddenly started to see and the girl decided to go before anything else happened to her father.

She put on her clothes and got ready to say goodbye to her father,

This time, there appeared a wound in the father's right hand's palm and then another one in his left hand, and they started to bleed, she went after doctor and when they got back he actually had got two other wounds in his left and right feet and they were bleeding too.

He had so much pain and they could not help him. He got a deep wound in the side of his chest and it also started to bleed.

It was before eastern and the daughter was taking care of her father, but it did not help that much.

He got worse and got some wounds around his head, they bleeded alot too and he died the day after eastern.

They went to the funeral and everybody was telling the girl that now she is free and can go fo her distany.

She waited some days and afterward she decided to leave the house. She got her suitcase and came out.

She took the frist step down to the street and she felt a huge pain in her little finger if her left hand, she continued but then there was a untolerable pain in her back, they pain made her bend but she took went down to the third step and suddenly the whole world became balck! She went blind. She was searching for help so she almost rolled down the last and fourth step when she felt warmness of blood in her palms, then her feet and the side of her chest, last thing she felt before dying was a burning feeling of pain around her head...

OK!

My reaction was! vad fannn! Svenska literatur! men...

but I will let you think a little bit and then I will come back with some pieces of extra information and our discussions in the class which were surprisingly enlightening! :)

I think it is interesting!
Take it if you have time.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Are you eager about mine? I am an INFP, it means I am a healer. :)
It means that http://www.keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=3&c=healer
I gave these links on purpose because then if you get the test you can find out about your own personality thrugh them too.
By the way, thank for the comments, I did not know that I have to reply them. Dear Zita, Constance, Clover, Ali, Mahgol, Nomin and many other unknowns who left comments on my posts, I thank you so much and I appriciate that you spend time reading my posts and leaving messages. I think about them.

Jag bara underar,
why are we so shy and inconfident in expressing our emotions?
Are we afraid of that somebody make fun of us?
Are we afraid of loosing what we already have?
Is it not nice to tell the ones who we like or love or have simply a crush on?
Or maybe it is better to ask, what is the purpose of saying such a thing to the person? Just for getting it of our chest?
And Why am I making these sentences in plural form?
Just to prove that I am not alone in this?
Burak said it is cheating on your boyfriend if you say that you had a crush on another guy.
I consider this lovely friend of mine as a typical asshole but I think about what he says. At least I know that there are people who think like that....
Any way, this is exam period and in these kind of occassions I always feel like having an artistic exhibition or doing something out of norm of the society but rational according to my beliefs.
Jag tror att jag far sluta har.
vi hors
ha det jatte bra

Some times my mind is too fantasyful!

I am coming from Iran as you might know. Iran for me is still a land of poem, carpet, dance, fruite, sunshine, wine and music.

I was trying to play Berimbau properly the day before yesterday. I closed my eyes and tried to listen. Zarina and Cruja were trying to sing at the same time they were playing.
For me, Voice of human being and body's movements are the most genuine and beautiful pieces of art.
We get the result directly without any parasit in between. Human voice and the movement are the best ways for expressing what is going on in the inner world.

Other arts such as cinema, painting, handcrafts or even music, there is something in between, some tools, some device. I even donät like it when they place a microphone in front of the batteria.
Any way I wanted to do a comparison for you. I really hope I can make it. It comes deep from Persian poetric history.

Maybe you have heard of Rumi. (http://pt.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jalal_ad-Din_Muhammad_Rumi)
In the following poem that is kind of long, deep and ofcourse affected by being translated (think about Capoeira songs lyrics being translated to English and how they loose their meanings through this translation, but still make some sense) I was thinking about Berimbau instead of reed that is a kind of natural make flute as an old iranian musical instrument.
I think Capoeira music is natural and calming, it sitts in the soul and the musics and musical instruments come from nature, from where we come from and go back to.

I don't like Panderos made from plastic and metal.

In the following poem, as I said one can imagine reed as any Capoeira musical instrument, weeping can be considered as doing any Capoeira movement, the emphasis on gathering can be the importance of Roda and keeping groups such as happy and sad or men and women as audiances of the reed can be a point to the fact that now Capoeira is not just for a small group of special people.

But my main point is the part number 6!

Each befriended me for his own reasons, yet none searched out the secrets I contain.

This is what all Capoeiristas talks about Capoeira look like, any body has been doing Capoeira for her/his own personal reason and now in this poem the reed is nagging about not being completely comprehended, nobody has asked him what he axactly wanted to say with this loud sound, maybe it has been the shout of anger and the message of freedom before for the slaves but now?

The other parts I just kept them there to be loyal and not cut the poem in the middle.
I would like to invite you to pay special attention to the parts number 18-19-20-21 and 27-28 as well.
I am happy sharing this with you. I hope it is not too boring.

1. Listen to the reed and the tale it tells, how it sings of separation:
2. Ever since they cut me from the reed bed, my wail has caused men and women to weep.
3. I want a heart that is torn open with longing so that I might share the pain of this love.
4. Whoever has been parted from his source longs to return to that state of union.
5. At every gathering I play my lament. I'm a friend to both happy and sad.
6. Each befriended me for his own reasons, yet none searched out the secrets I contain.
7. My secret is not different than my lament, yet this is not for the senses to perceive.
8. The body is not hidden from the soul, nor is the soul hidden from the body, and yet the soul is not for everyone to see.
9. This flute is played with fire, not with wind, and without this fire you would not exist.
10. It is the fire of love that inspires the flute. It is the ferment of love that completes the wine.
11. The reed is a comfort to all estranged lovers. Its music tears our veils away.
12. Have you ever seen a poison or antidote like the reed? Have you seen a more intimate companion and lover?
13. It sings of the path of blood; it relates the passion of Majnun.
14. Only to the senseless is this sense confided. Does the tongue have any patron but the ear?
15. Our days grow more unseasonable, these days which mix with grief and pain. . .
16. but if the days that remain are few, let them go; it doesn't matter. But You, You remain, for nothing is as pure as You are.
17. All but the fish quickly have their fill of His water, and the day is long without His daily bread.
18. The raw do not understand the state of the ripe, and so my words will be brief.
19. Break your bonds, be free, my child! How long will silver and gold enslave you?
20. If you pour the whole sea into a jug, will it hold more than one day's store.
21. The greedy eye, like the jug, is never filled. Until content, the oyster holds no pearl.
22. Only one who has been undressed by Love is free of defect and desire.
23. O Gladness, O Love, our partner in trade, healer of all our ills,
24. Our Plato and Galen, remedy for our pride and our vanity.
25. With love this earthly body could soar in the air; the mountain could arise and nimbly dance.
26. Love gave life to Mount Sinai, O lover. Sinai was drunk; Moses lost consciousness.
27. Pressed to the lips of one in harmony with myself, I might also tell all that can be told;
28. but without a common tongue, I am dumb, even if I have a hundred songs to sing.
29. When the rose is gone and the garden faded, you will no longer hear the nightingale's song.
30. The Beloved is all; the lover just a veil. The Beloved is living; the lover a dead thing.
31. If Love withholds its strengthening care, the lover is left like a bird without wings.
32. How will I be awake and aware if the light of the Beloved is absent?
33. Love wills that this Word be brought forth.
34. If you find the mirror of the heart dull, the rust has not been cleared from its face.
35. O friends, listen to this tale, the marrow of our inward state.
--Version by Kabir Helminski. From "The Rumi Collection: An Anthology of Translations and Versions of Jalaluddin Rumi" (Putney, Vermont: Threshold Books, 1998), pp. 145-46. This is a revision of earlier versions ("Love is A Stranger," 1993, pp. 50-52; "Ruins of the Heart," 1981, pp. 19-20).

It looks like it always happens, just right in the moment you think everything is fine, some thing happens.
Where you think you might not be misunderstood or you don't need to think so much before talking, you get trapped!
My friend got irritated by what I said without thinking, actually maybe it was just a loud public thinking thing!
Deep people get hurt so rare but it takes so long to get back to the normal stage of friendship or closeness.
There is a wall, you can not see it but as you go closer you feel it pressing on you chest.
I hate it. I want it over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And just like always another parallel irelevant subject.

Yesterday I saw a patriot Finnish guy having a silver lion with a stick or a sward in his halsband.
And today on the way from Behrangs apartment to university's library I noticed another lion, standing proudly as a symbol of Goteborg maybe.
Any way as symbol of anything, it was not the symbol of sperm tank that it actually is.
Male lion is one of the least useful animals in the whole world. It just sitts or better to say lies on the grass under shaddow, eat what the females have hunted, ibland roars and gärna mates! and that is it and it is almost all around the world the symbol of power, dignity and royalty. but actually the last one maybe fitts ;)

A long day is about to finish just two hours before another one starts.
Today was sunday, I woke around 8 by a pleasant call from Iran.
I slept again and woke up kind of late to get on Capoeira training on time but I went anyway because Jag orkar inte missa till och med en gang.
It was so nice training with Music first and then Maculele.
Today we did some group organized movements, very nice.
Then I had a nice chat with Zarrina in Spicy hot and then got home, changed and went to Rebecca for fike, directly from Rebeccas place we went to Tango with Romain.
After Tango I came home, checked my emails chatted with Sam and made food and had dinner with Afshin and Shahab, then at around 10 the serious stuff started to get started when Shahab asked to swe his torn pillow, I did so and then got back to work.
One job application.
One email to thesis supervisor and some paragraphs on Thesis and address finding for seminar tomorow.
:)
It is 3:37 in the morning and I have to wake up at 6 to get ready and go to station to get the train at 7:22!
Tomorrow will be finished at around 10 in Vikseng.
I need a big basic chakra for tomorrow!
Hope you all sleep well and get enough of it
:)
Have a great start for the week!
P.s. Frenchy got some sleep finally. You could see it in her face, fresh and shiny eyes like before!

Today I tried Ice Skating. I had never done it before.
I was scared and excited. It felt like the first time I wanted to jump in the deep part of the swiming pool, the first time I kknew my father is going to let me bicycle alone, the first time I was going to ask Jens to let me stand on my hands on myself and let the support.
There is this Psychology Today magazine I want to read so badly, it sits on my desk waiting for me finishing my articles and books which are VIPs.
There are two books I would love to read about autism and interpersonal communication and they are also waiting for swedish inlamnings to get klara and the lexur in form i fokus to get skrev...
There are two inlamnings and lot of ovning in form i fokus waiting for me to finish the first draft of my thesis and then go and halsa pa dem,
And the poor first draft is waiting for me to finish all my daily habbits which I'm trapped in.
:)
I repeat this which is called life, everyday and the good things is that, there is never a time I can say:
"I am bored, there is nothing to do"

A come to B and want to tell something!
B says:
Have you passed what you want to tell me from the three filters?
A says:
Which three filters?
B says:
If you are sure that what you are going to tell me is 100% true.
If it makes me happy
or at least I benefit from it.
A thought a bit and said:
What I wanted to say was just something I heard and I am not sure if it is true, it for sure makes you sad or angry and it has in fact no use for you to know it.
then B said:
So please keep it for your self and try to fogret it as soon as possible.

What do you think? Is life boring if we do so or is it more pleasant?

These days I am reading more about Interpersonal Communicatio and it has caused me cancelling a lot of my communicational activities such as going to lunch at Constance's place, joining "normal" students from Swedish course fikaing in the student union pub, going to Clover's halloween party, going to preparty in Nikka's place, following Afshin and Elham to Kåren, going to Capoeira training and so on, but

It has been handful from some scientific perspectives.

I have not only learnt about attachment theory but also four different theoretical perspectives defining the maning of emotion:

It includes: Darwinian, Jamesian, Cognitive and Social Constructive theoretical perspectives.

• The first one as it is kind of obvious from its name, is based on the evolutional theory of Darwin. Scientists following this theoretical perspective, believe that our emotions which can be mainly devided in 6 basic foundamental emotions of happiness, sadness, fear, disgust, surprise and anger are some kinds of survival actions evolved from animals.


• The second one is based on William James ideas and is described as follows: (I should estate it completely and exactly as it is found in the article by Cornelius becasue honestly I don't understand it)

"bodily changes follow directly the perception of the exciting fact, and our feeling of the same changes as the occur is the emotion!"

• In the third perspective which is cognitive and is considered as the dominant theoretical perspective in this field it is all about the appraisal process in our brain and followers of this schools believe that emotions and thoughts are inseperable.


• The fourth and last perspective says that emotions can be fully understood only on a social level of analysis and it is because they are mainly productions of culture.

But the funny thing is that I logged in the weblog account to express my stress from yesterday as a sunny day in Sweden after severalllllll cloudy dark days.

I had never experienced it before:

It was such a nice weather that I got pannicked! I did not know what to do to use it in a good way and get the advantage of SUN.

I exposed myself to sun in the balcony just right after I woke up before I felt like freezing and got in, later I ate my backed potato in the middle of the corridor, in front of the toiletts coz there was the only place that I could some sun shine from the emergency exit at the end of the long corridor!

Then I slept with theshades down!

I was not sleeping I spent the whole DAY (which actually was not that long!) but I could not go out because I had to study and I could not study for I was feeling like I would miss too much by being inside in such a sunny day!

OK! Welcome to solve the problem. :)

I will be back with more Communicational, emotional stuff.

Love and Peace to You!

Yes you! :)

Hi!

Which one are you?

•Secures are having positive images of themselves and others it helps them to be sSelf-sufficient and comfortable with intimacy, they seek a balance of autonomy and closeness withing their relationships.

•Dismissives, with positive images of themselves but negative of others are fiercely independant, trying to prove they don’t need anybody, they dislike relying on others and their personal activities are prioritized over relationships.

•Preoccupieds have positive images of others while having negative images of themselves, it makes them seem just opposite to dismissives. They crave intimacy, cling to their relationships and they are afraid of getting abondoned.

•Fearfuls ore the poor ones who have negative images of themselves and others and it is usually because they have been hurt or rejected in past relationships, they are afraid of getting close to anybody, though they like the security of close relationship.

- from Attachment theory with a communicative perpective By Laura K. Guerrero

Recently I have been so much stressed and have been thinking and giving myself the right of feeling, it has been too much and I need a pause.

But, the point is taht , there is no pause out there, these seconds will not wait for any body for any reason, at least in no way that I am aware of!

Maybe life is these daily struggles to get along with Swedish homeworks, Ös and Us, Cheap tickets to Stockholm, Articles from the Master in Communication, Finding a way to support yourself financially, getting in the good mood for the Tango sessions and keeping up and not giving up with Capoeira. meanwhile, you should try not to let your friends and family down, keep an eye on your foods and clouthes and ...
And at last but not least, finishing the master taht got started two years ago!

Wish me good luck with pushing my mental borders and overcomming stress.

I don't find myself beautiful.

I don't think I have a good body.

I even don't belive that I am sweet or funny but I think

I have a good heart and I am so happy about it.

I am filled with love and I feel valuable.

I think I have the mission to keep it so or even make it better.

I love you and I love myself in love.

Sam!

It feels bad here in Västerås without you, though Germany is in der nähe!

stor KRAM

Jag pratar om mig och du pratar om oss.

Jag, jag, jag och jag...

Det är så trevligt när hjärtat blommar.

I know these years will pass like other years that passed.
And I will sit there look at the fire with my weak eyes. sigh and try to stand up. my knees will be unable to carry my light body.
I will think about the huge amount of Energy and Love I had when I was young.
I have too much to give.

I am sitting on the floor, infront of an off TV and a tea table in Rumineh's stuga!
It is outside Goteborg, at the gulf. The view is fantastic but the air cyrclation is awful.
It has used to be a double parking before the owners who live next door, decide to renovate(!) and rent it out.
There is just one door/window to the back yard facing the gulf which is not fixable and goes back and forth with everysingle wind coming from the sea. and no other windows are openable in this cottage!
I am making Fesenjoon which is a traditional Iranian food for her to thank for the place she offered me to stay these days in Goteborg.
The meeting with Anrzej from Chalmers Innovation went cute well and then I met Behrang and After that Fateh and got my Swedish books back.
I have a permanant headache from the caos in my mind. I am thinking about Shahab and me thses days.
I just don't understand why did he do this to me. why did he kill the love? It was so beautiful and now I try hard but it does not work yet and does not seem to work soon.
It has been just two days that I have been out from Vasteras but I already miss it. Maybe that is becaue I look at this town as a home to be and I don't like it. It i too crowded in comparison with our little cute Vasteras.
I miss my Capoeira bodies and Clover.
I have got a temporary "no" for my visa application but I have given some explanations and hope it leeds my case to a "yes".
So much to think about. So much to wait for. So much to decide and take the responsibility of!
And still so much to be happy and proud about.
Today on the wy back home I passed by a dagis and one of the small boys called me and asked me: "Vad heter du?"
And I said: "Mahgol"
He said:"Mahgol?" and smiled.
He pronounced my name better than any body else since two years ago in Sweden!
Självklart! he has no limmitations to learn and no default set of names to refere. He has an open mind to all new things. He was actually so smart and after the second sentence he said with his Göteborisk dialekt: "Men du pratar köööönstig!" and I laughed alot. I am not sure if he had noticed my Västeråsian accent or persian swedish accent!
Oh and one more thing, he also noticed taht I am not Swede taht I think is kind of smart since he was just five. He asked me: "Var bor du?" and I said"Där börta!" and he said: "Jag bor is Sverige! Var bor du?", then I noticed taht he apparently was sking about my nationality because he took of his cap and showed me his hair and pointed to my fizzy long black hair! :)
Then I said:"Jag bor i Västerås men jag koomer från Iran och nu måste jag går och lagar mat!".
It was nice to talk with them and see how nice they can be before learning from society to be conservative and play with their mobiles instead of talking to present people.
all the left Love and peace to you!
kram

It looks like it is really starting again. I mean school and serious life!

I felt the summer time this summer, as I used to feel it when I was a student going to school.

Lots of traveling, lots of swiming, lots of playing and experiencing new things and meeting new people.

Today I sent some emails and made some phone calls about my thesis and it really felt like "Back to work".

It used to happen during the school, like all the past 21 years of lmy life, that I would have some task to do and if I did not succeed to finish before a long vacation (either new year or summer), I would have made the whole vacation bitter as poisen for myself, thinking about it and I would have doe absolutely nothing! Then in just a couple of days or weeks I could finish the whole shit!

My expectation from the thesis work is the same. The hwole summer I thought about it and I canceled a lot of things because of it and did almost nothing, but now after the summer I feel like I know what to do and it has got a very good start.

Let see what happenes.

I promise to keep you posted.

:)
I think it is so good!
What happens if you say "Fuck you" to presidents or prime ministers?

U.S.A.
You says "Fuck you" to the president of U.S.A. Nothing happens, you become famous, they make you write a book and you make millions of dollars. But meanwhile the President sues you and gets all the money you have.

ENGLAND
You say, "Fuck you" to the Prime minister of England . The Prime minister says "fuck you" to you too.

FRANCE
You say, "Fuck you" to the president of France . Millions of people supports you and says "fuck you" to the president. Meanwhile the president of France writes poems because of his sadness.

JAPAN
You say, "Fuck you" to the Prime minister of Japan . The Prime minister says "I'm sorry; I'm not interested on your body."

GERMANY
You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Germany . The police come and say "Please don't fuck the president".

SWEDEN
You say, "Fuck you" to the Prime minister of Sweden . People vote if they accept you to fuck the Prime minister or not.20If the answer is yes you fuck the Prime minister. If the answer is no, the Prime minister shakes your hand.

ROMANIA
You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Romania . The president starts dancing with you with gypsy music.

TURKEY
You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Turkey . The president takes his gun and shoots you. He goes to jail for 8 years or escapes the country and Greecewelcomes him as a political refugee.

CHINA
You say, "Fuck you" to the Prime minister of China . The Prime minister will literally fuck you.

ITALY
You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Italy . You get price quotes from the mafia for realizing your passion.

RUSSIA
You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Russia . The president kisses your mouth.

SAUDI ARABIA
You say, "Fuck you" to the president ... But, there is no president, you become foolish. But if you say "fuck you" to the king, the king cuts your tongue...

IRAN
You say "Fuck you" to the president ?!? You are too late my friend, you've already been "Fucked" by the president long time ago and you didn't know!

It is raining outside. It looks like Sweden when I first arrived.
These days I am a little bit busy with new arrival students who are mostly lost and shocked.
It is so nice, there are these Thai girls with tones of make up and clothes and their dolls!!! standing aside expecting and ordering you to carry their loggages for them. :) and on the other hand there are German or Dutsch girls who come with a backpack or two and have a map and prefere to walk themselves to their accomodations.
There are Pakistani or Indian guys who see you coming to the glass door, having a big box in your hand, managing to keep your balance and they just look at you or get their eyes from you and the Turkish ones who run and take the box from you and keep the door for you. :)
It is fun to see these all and try to understand that these are all cultural differences, no body tends to offend any body though every body is so offendable! :)
This las mounth has been amazingly full of driving for me. Goteborg, Malmo, Lund, Oland, Kalmar, Stockholm, Uppsala and now to student accomodations: Bjorhovda, Park, Vallby, Råby, Sundinska, Norra, Södra, Regulatorn, Haga and Vitmårgatan.
I met this old friend of mine, Jenny from Germany who was so kind to me once I was stock in the airport in Frankfor for 5 hours, she came from her town 1 hour far from Frankfurt, picked me up and showed me around in the city. She is back for visiting us and it is so nice to see her smiling smart eyes again.
Igor is back, she is my neighbour from Ukrain and he has a simple golden ring in his right hand and he is married! :)
There are some Iranians among new arrival students. they are colder than swedes, no surprise I know what their parrents have told them about Iranians in sweden before they come here. :)
Iran, Afshins mom has left! I already missed her last night, shen we used to play bridge after a long day of work, study or wandering around.
Shahab might get his Schengen visa and come for a visit to Sweden. I wish it had happened when I was dreaming it every day and night.
There is this Macadonian girl who lives in Stockholm with her boyfriend but is going to come to school here in Vasteras, I saw a good friend in her face. She was the innitiator of the conversation which is so rare in my case!
The thesis is postponded one more mounth. This time I have to take it sooooo serious. No jokes at all.
I am also planning my trip to Goteborg for registering myself in the master of Communication which giggles my nervs (?). I think I would like it.
I hope I find a job so that I can finance myself there.
and the last thing is the Tango course with Romain. He has found one but it is very expensive according to Dimi who is a dance "course" expert! :)
Capoeira started yesterday I went there for 6 sweet friendly warm hugs and 1 high five. and ofcourse the posters that I will put up to get more motivated people in our begginers class.
I am sure it is enough for now.
SES snart!
kram (one of those sweet, friendly and warm ones)

And here we are me and Fimmi Anna!

:)

I have a better picture of her and her sweet father on my mobile but unfortunately there is no way to get it out from the F*** mobile. No bluetooth and lost cable and no ... and no ....

:)

So it stays as my background in the mobile. :)

Aunti Mahgol is so happy for you little girl!

We are absolutey a big bunch of insecure people.
Some of us know how to pose confident but the rest who we call them insecure, don't simply know how to do it.
Sit in the train and smile to the person beside you...
How am I contributing to human beings' wellfare by studying business. Am I not making them get stuck in money and its requirements and consequences more and more, if If iF I am sucessful!

I feel in love, again!
It is just such a pleasant feeling. Like Whiskey it warm ups the chest!
When I feel good, I fall in love almost every week and it is so sweet. I am learning to show my love without being afraid of people's judgement!
On the other hand I should continue not showing extra love and respect to ones who I don't realy have it for them deep inside.

When I wanted to say bye to the furniture group, I asked Stefan to give me a hug and then I thanked him for nice, sweet smiles he always had in his face and thanked him for the good sense of humor and so much fun he caused.
I huged lovely Jane and I did not say anything coz I want to see her more often and I don't want to say bye to her.
I huged stressed Inta, she was thinking about her parents an dthe trip she was going to be on for the next couple of days. Whatever it was she was not there at that moment, she was some where in future.
I shook hand with Anderas and I thought it was enough.
I huged Ayax and kissed him on his head. And I looked him is his eyes trying to show my love and respect to him.
.
.
.
Outside it is misty, orange yellowish lamps have their AURA around them! :)
We have night!
Today on the way back from Hemkop, I could smell lovely autumn comming and I told myself: "Hmmm, I have to reflect it in my blog!"
Tomorrow I am going to be in Stockholm, meeting Erik, joining a speach about cpability and entrepreneurship and discuss my thesis.
I am tired but excited.
I have to go to post office first before getting the train to Stockholm too.
Clover's website I visited today for the first time after it got finished designing. I found it fantastic. I loved the part she had her own handwriting in it and ofcourse the colours. (www.clovergiles.com)
BTW I met Fimmi Anna and soon I will be putting some pictures of her in here or maybe if Krista is kind enough, I might have a picture of Fimmi Anna and me.
Love and Peace to Ali Samini
:)
Sleep well allihooopaaaa!

Mahgol

Photo: Irakle!

Capoeirista: Jens

Jag åkte till Enköping och stännade där för tre timmer inna jag tar tåget och åkar tillbaka.
Det finns många vackra parker i Enköping.
Jag promenerade i stan och besökte stadsbiblioteket.
Jag hittade en bok som var om kommunication. Jag tror att det var jätte trevligt och spenande att läsa boken.
Jag skrev några meninger:

Delad glädje är dubbel glädje,
Delad sorg är halv sorg!

Jag är inte den du tror jag är.
Jag är inte den jag tror att jag är.
Jag är den jag tror att du tror at jag är!

Det var trevligt!

Anger is like a painful warmness going through my body...
I feel it like that.
Today I felt it after a long while.
I tried hard not to hurt anybody with my anger but I am still too gelous to be this generous. Anger is so strange, it hurts one self as much as it hurts the others but maybe it hurts the onw who has it inside the most coz you hurt once by anger itself and then you hurt after hurting others...
It is hard to control it and some times I think I even enjoy it. I don't know but I feel strong when I get angery, I feel alive but it is so stupid... I know, I know!
OK?
I know.
I honestly think there are some rare constructive angers which even they can be converted to something else to be even more constructive.
Anyway!
Today I called and I listened to: "dstgahe moshtarake morede nazar khamoosh mibashad" and I hanged on and did not wait for the english translation taht wuold have been:"The mobile set is off!" :)
Is this love? I dare!

Good relaxing weekend is good! :)

I went to Stockholm with Bjorn, Ebi, Melika, Sam and Clover.

We had lunch in an Iranian Restaurang called Zartosht, (http://www.zartosht.se/) and then went to Stockhom Center to join the Gay Pride (http://www.stockholmpride.org/).

We tayed until late and I had Clovie's camera so I did not get bored even for one second. A big memory card and a long lasting battery and so many interesting human being to be shot!

Sunday was a lazy day, cleaning, emailing, cooking, eating and studying.

Looking forward to the next week and enjoying the very current moment with Persian Iranian Classic Music and Booye Oood!

Love and peace to Jens

Some times, everything is just perfect and you feel good though you know it is just short and will finish but you are not even sad because it finishes!
Last night I went out for one of my friends from Capoeira birthday. His name is Rodde!
A peaceful smiling cute guy.
There I met my bald Clovie, Amanda, Dark haired Zarah, Lovely Jens, Smiling Bea, Zarina, Marta, Crul and Nikko.
I had to tell them about Kongfu Panda. :)
And I got the nickname, Panda!
I just feel good when I am with these people. relax and happy.
Thank you my friends for the nice time we had.
BTW today was the first official day of work with IKEA furniture. I defenately have to get some working gloves. I almost lost my fingertip skin from the stupid IKEA skrew driver!
:)
But it feels good to fill the form and write how many hours have you worked.
:)
I am tired but happy and the sweetness of last night is still under my teeth.
I have a big surprise that you might hear about it too.
my lovely artist friend has painted me in her own special style. Can not wait to see it!
puss och kram
Hejdå!

Hej Pa Dig!
Jag skapade MDH Hiking Club blogg och ar nojd med det!
Jag skulle jobba i skolan fran imorgon for tre veckor och ar glad om det.
Pengar, det som jag behover!
jag gick pa handerna for en minute idag och har ont i brostkorgen men
Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
sov gott!
Puss

As short and simple as it was
and is
and will be:

She died!

I remember when I was working on my self hard.
One of my aims was not to hurt others and help them in a way that no body finds out about it.
I remember I had the goal of not getting so happy or so sad because of what I get or loose.
I remember when I was trying not to nag!
And not to do things that do not have any benefit either for myself or others.
Det var lange sedan!

Nomin got the bus at 10:40 and went to Stockholm to go to Chna and then Mongolia!

She went back "home"!

But then what is Vasteras that is missing something with this little girl who was waking up early in, I mean early early at 2 in the morning and was destributing newspapers in the city, no matter if it was raining, snowing or blowing.

Nomin and so many others just do live without so much word like me.

They do study, work and fall in love and break up without a single word!

I huged her three or four times before she and teh bus driver get on the us and each time I just kept myself not to cry cozo I did not want to make her cry.

I am sure if I had shown a drop of tear she would have started crying hard.

I think she will have a long trip home in which she will think a lot and come up with interesting results and I will ask her to share it with me.

There are numbers in my mobile that I have to delete since the owners have left Sweden and it feels bad unless I replace it with their numbers in their "home" countries!

I am the one who always says: "Come on, we have aircrafts and phone and webcam and we will all work and have money and meet when ever we desire and shala shala"

but

It is never the same when you can

reach your friend,

look in her/his eyes,

touch their shoulder

or hold their hands

and it is so stupid of us that we don't do it enough unless we feel like we are missing each other.

I am trying to hug and contact others phisycally as much as possible unless I know they don't like it no matter what others say.

I was searching for a hug picture to put in my post and look what I found:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/publications/booksbeyondwords/bbwonlineversions/hugmetouchme/frontcover.aspx

It is sooooooooooooo stupid. What is Janet? Is she brought up in an incubator until she got 30 or so?

:)

But any way the point is that we need it. :))

If we don't hug our friends then we will be like Janet! :)

instead I will upload a pic of my little friend Nomin who is now on the way to mongolia!

It looks like I am back in life!

I know what I am doing and I have some how control on what I am doing.

No rush!

No panik!

I am on the way with my thesis and closing my Facebook account which feels so good.

:)

I sit there,
look at her face...
some thick gray hair has grown on her cheeck and nobody has unplugged them.
She looks at me and smiles. She makes one of her special faces like crossing her eyes and pulls her tongue out.
:)
I lough and touch her soft hands and stand up to get the hairplugger...
She gets my hand and says, on your way back get one of those ice-creams that you have bought before the nurse comes back!
I smile and say:
"Maadar! you had one this morning, it will be so much sugar for you!"
She says:
"Come on! You used to be my friend! I have been eating what I wanted whole my life and look I am healthy, just this finger which burns, it is like ..."
and I lough and say:
"... yeah yeah I know, It is like they have opened it and put salt and pepper inside and it burns and itches like that!"
She laughs but then gets a serious face and says:
"You laugh but it really hurts!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who should I tease if you go?
Who should I look and enjoy looking at?
Madaar don't leave us.

Let me come and kiss your soft skinny hand once more!

Why is it so hard to go to some one and tell him/her:
I really like you and I want to know you more, maybe we can have some tea or coffee some time!
I know why, because it sounds so much like a date.
But if you really don't look after a date and you mean the words you say?
On the other hand, think about the famous stupid question:
What would you do if you have just one last day to live?
Then everything sounds so easy but who knows how many days are we going to live?
Poooof!
Jag vet inte!
Jag måste plugga nu!
Hejdå!

I am searching for an isolation way. It is one of those periods that I feel like I have to spend more time with "ME".

I want to be honest!
I have a lot to do and I am doing nothing!
I have to finish some courses from last last term and there is the F*** Thesis taht I have to work on too.
I have to practice Capoeira and I ave to learn more Svenska!
Men Men Men
jag kan inte satta mig och plugga!
Jag vet inte varfor men det gar inte!
Jag sade till mig att jag har halla juli och agusti att plugga men en vecka av juli ar klar och jag har gjort absolut ingenting!
Jag maste borja! Jag maste.

Have you ever felt that some one can do magic with you?
That some one can make your brain freeze?
That you are word less when he/she talks to you?
Have you ever felt so angry and in love at the same time with some body?
I don't know how to act and I decide to skip it all.
But then I can not and I get stuck in it like a donkey in mud! This is an old persian saying! :)
But I don't know why I put a smily face, though it is not funny at all!
p.s. Don't search for the relationship between donkey, mud and tiger and water...

Today I was thinking about those 200-1 people who got killed and there was no one to film their death so there is no name of them in Youtube or any other place. You just know Neda and that is not all.

People are in streets in Iran, they are getting hit and shot, they are fighting for freedom.
They are looking for their votes. I am born in Tehran, Iran and just by the time these things are going on in Iran, I take a bus to Stockholm but not to demonstrate or join others who want to shout for Iranian nation whose voice can not be broadcasted easily, I want to take the bus to go to a cheap airport called Skavsta. I fly to Bratislava, take the bus to the city, have a turn in the center of the city and some memories from Ebi and Farideh and our Vienna trip gets a second life, I get the bus to Budapest and visit my old friend Zita there. She is standing in the bus terminal at 11 pm in not a very good part of the city with a beautiful rose in her hands and a beautiful tired smile in her face.
She brings me to her home in Budpest suburb, we drink a glass of fine Champagne and sleep.
I go around in this beautiful city. She does not let me pay a single penny. I get the bus in the early morning go to Prague. There are some old good doods waiting for me. tired real smiles on their faces. I hugs David, Tomas and Petr and I feel, damn, I had missed these guys.
We go, drink and eat and go to my survival trip of 100 km in 24 hours and I fail in 92.5 km and on the 22nd hour of the trip. I spend the night by the fire in an old typical Zcech in Bohemian Paradise in an old village in my sleeping bag but before we have some beer and sit by the fire and listen to the rock climber who plays guitar and sings Czech folk songs.
I take the train back to the city after eating a typical Czech food in a small town by the railways. The bus brings me to Wroclaw through lots of ups and downs in the mountains in south border of Poland and I can see nothing from the big window beside me not because it is dark but because it is dirty and foggy. I go to the centrum in the nicest hostel ever near the main market square and listen to loud laugh of lovers and wonder about the roses Polish gentlemen give to their lovers when they meet in fine clothes in teh main square while I am in my shorts and old slippers. I get the train to Poznan the other day and remind lots of good memories in Frolic Goats and the day after a short girly visit to the tourist information office in that nice old square and then the bus to the airport and flying back to Vasteras.
Finished? no! from the airport in Vasteras I walk down to the island named Bjorno and swim and rest and enjoy the late sunset at 10 pm and walk back home: sundinska!
And after all these, now I think I know what should I do for Iran. I don't need to buy a ticket and run back home and shoudl stop repeating to myself: "Why shoudl Neda get shot? Why not me? What if I was there and she was still alive?"
I know what should I do and I feel good about it.
May peace flow all around the world.
You could see war's effect in all these cities I have travelled through and it is not pleasant at all.

These day?

This is me!

I brought a small present for Romain from Iran and he gave me his favorite old silver medalium.

I have it on me now and I am realy happy about it.


Lets keep it this simple because it is simple.

I had this dream of
lying on a rock,
the rock was on a bed of short soft grass,
it was surrounded by tall old trees,
sun rays were reaching the green bed, the rock and me through the leaves of the trees,

I had this dream of lying on such a bed,
naked and still!
I wanted to wait and observe how
days and night pass
animals came and go
they approached me slowly, smelled me some licked me and left.
insects passed over me,
It rained and snowed
and one day it blew and I felt that I am flying like a dust...

I had this dream and I was making it more and more facinating by adding sweet details to it
But
Now
I am living and I want to live and I know that there will be such a day and I will enjoy it but now I want to live with sweeter dreams.

Have you ever searched for the picture of a photographer?
You will find the photos he/she has taken and you are never sure which one is his/her own profile.
Maybe it is so right because you are what you see and what you do.

I look in your eyes,
Blue, Brown, Green, Black, Honey, ...
I see a transparent reflection of me.

You think about me,
good or bad,
does not matter,
there are some seconds, minutes or hours you spend thinking about me or us and it connects me to you stronger and stronger.

You think you are my enemy but ...
We get closer and closer.
Niether you or I can help it,
It is the rule.
.
.
.
Lets meditate!

My dear old dearest!
You told me that you wanted to get shallow
and you did!
You told me that you didn't want to think any more
and you absolutely did!

YOU LOST ME

but you forgot that
You told me that you wanted to get shallow and you did
And you wanted to stop thinking
and you did!

"I read your previous posts and I think you've got reborn"
that is what you said
and
I forgot to say:
"It should happen more often!"

Maybe life is the time,
you look back,
your father is not holding the back of your bike any more,
he is smiling at you,
you have been cycling on your own,
for a quite far distance and all
at once
just without any reason:
You fall!

I think I found it out!
I have experienced so many loosings and I am so afraid of it that I try not to have in order not to loose!
That is why I love you.
There is no way I have you so I am sure and easy minded that I can not loose you!
:)
Happy and secure, I enjoy it so much.

I closed my eyes,
enjoying the sun,
reached your arm
and rested my hand safely in your just bent elbow.

VISST!

I got a deep breath,
a big smile on my face
and started to walk surely beside you.

I could hear more birds,
seagulls, jackdaws, ravens and sparrows.

I could smell your perfume and the sludges in the harbor.

I could feel small insects hitting my body, spider webs touching my face or the pleasant breeze going through my hair.

Coldness of shadows made by trees or buildings on my skin.

such a tender, delicate World!

And if there was a step or a slope:
a gentle tap on my hand resting in your elbow.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?


Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say, 'Hi'?

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won'tlast.

When you run so fast
to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of
getting there.

When you worry and hurry
through your day,
It is like an unopenedgift......
Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

unfortunately I don't know who has written it

OK! OK! OK!
I can not explain it! so what?
I just enjoy my time standing and walking beside you and looking at you and listening to you.
It is not sexual and it can not get sexual but it is something new and so interesting!
I love it.
I am happy to experience it!
Just like this: :-D

You are just like an addiction:
A sweet and pleasant one!

I can feel the flow of calmness and happiness from you to me, the strong gentle flow that fills my heart when I see you and your sweet smile.

The only word that can describe my status after leaving you is “trance”!

Tonight!
This very moment!
This very place!
Here I am with you!
We go on, till one finishes the other.
You and your smell.
You and your taste.
You and your trance.
You...

Either you like it or not,
I love you, I miss you, I dream about you....

This morning,
Somewhere between the awakes' world and sleepings', I touched your arm under the blue stripped shirt you have.
I could smell you,
The hardness of your muscles and your kind smile.
I could feel the love in the room.

How does it work with "missing" somebody?

Who are then ones that we miss them and

why do we miss them?

Should we tell them when we miss them?

I don't know the answers to these questions exactly but I think:

There is a characteristic in any relationship and there is something flowing between two individuals when they have any kind of relationship.

Whenever you need what you get from a special human link, then you miss the one who you find it with him or her.

And I think "YES", it is very important that you let others know if they are important for you or you miss them. And more important is that I think it does not matter how they interpret it but it matters how you interpret it honestly with yourself.

If you consider it complicated it becomes complicated but if you take it easy it goes easy.

Love and Peace to You!

It has been a while I was not so happy and calm.
It might sound strange to you but I am spending the most relaxing-stressing time of my life.
There are many people who I like to spend time with them.
there are couple of them who I really love!
I mean, I enjoy just being where they are. I enjoy seeing them smile or listen to their voice and I let my self go.
I just try to love and get love and find it something like LIFE!
I am exploring some abilities of my body taht I did not have any idea about them at all.
I am happy that is what I can say.

There is somewhere in my chest, little bit to the left.
It becomes hard or painful or squeezing or... I don't know how to explain it, whenever I miss some one or some where or some thing.
It happens when I want some thing and I know that it is not possibe any more.
It happens when I think of my youngest uncle or my grandmother or my kompis who left me last year.
It can happen when I call a family to say: "Happy new year" and they don't pick up and there is no answering machine!
It can happen when I call a friend to ask if I can help for the party I am invited to next day and I hear people saying goodbye and I find out about my mistake in the date of the party.
It can happen when I leave my camera in a taxi on the way to the airport in Poznan.
It can happen when I can not find my mobile in my pocket, nor in my backpack and not even under loads of snow the day after!
It can happen when I enter the house and I smell my fathers perfume who just left for a week trip and I wanted to say goodbye to him before he leaves.
It can happen when I saw an empty bed, abondoned, where an aziz used to lie on but not any more.
It might look sad, the text I have written. But it is not.
It is just deep inside.
Love
Happy Norouz
signiture: MahGol

What do you think?
Should one fall in love just with one person at a time?
Should all the loves end in sex?
Is it a big deal to fall in love with your gay boy friend if you are a girl?
If it is not love what is it that you just enjoy sitting near him and smiling to his face?
Is there any wrong love?
Should you stop yourself from loving or should we love as much as we can?

I sit with my back to the window so that I don't see the snow outside.
It has become so long this year.
I want sun on my skin.

Is it a big sin to miss you?

In this cold night, I've miss your hands, your shoulder and the special boom tuk of your kind heart.

I've missed your eyes, your smile and your voice.

There is no complain.

I love you even more than before and it is none of your business.
It is all on my own as it has always been.

Don't worry my dear.
You live your life and I do mine.
No responsibility as you wished!
Lots of missings as I wished!

Did it ring? Am I late?
Why is it so bright everywhere? Is it noon? Is it morning? Is it moonlight? Or is it just the lights in the street?
There is no way you can get the time by looking out in this cursed land.
Why am I all wet?
Is it that warm here?
was it a bad dream?
.
.
.
absolutely no clue...
I should wake up, but I am already awake. I am tired. It feels like I have not closed my eyes even for a moment.
I am such an asshole. I am wasted. I am broken. I even don't have enough energy to come out of this fucking bed.
Maybe it is better to stay and spoil between these cheap IKEA sheets, after days and nights that don't differ that much.
It has been so long I have been crowling in the bed...
It might be already noon.
.
.
.
Oh shit! It just started ringing.
I press the snooze button and try to look at the digital clock on my slim, red mobile with my burning eyes that I can hardly open them.
It is 8...
I have wasted at least two hours that I could sleep easily.
I will have my class in one hour.
I have to take a shower. I smell like shit.
.
.
.
two hours later I am still sitting on my bed.
looking at my feet or fingers or squeezing some pimples on my arms . . .
I lost my morning class.
I am so thirsty. I don't have the energy to go to the kitchen and take a glass of water.
what day is it today?
.
.
.
I lie in the bed and curse my self.
I hate this lazy creature.

It is so freezing here.
I don't dare to go out.
I feel like freezing on the way home.
Actually it is not that cold when you measure it with a termometer. But I feel cold.
I feel so lonely.
Far from where I should be.
Far from who I want to be with.
and the worst part is that this distance can not be reduced easily.
It is not just Phisycal!