I don't find myself beautiful.

I don't think I have a good body.

I even don't belive that I am sweet or funny but I think

I have a good heart and I am so happy about it.

I am filled with love and I feel valuable.

I think I have the mission to keep it so or even make it better.

I love you and I love myself in love.

Sam!

It feels bad here in Västerås without you, though Germany is in der nähe!

stor KRAM

Jag pratar om mig och du pratar om oss.

Jag, jag, jag och jag...

Det är så trevligt när hjärtat blommar.

I know these years will pass like other years that passed.
And I will sit there look at the fire with my weak eyes. sigh and try to stand up. my knees will be unable to carry my light body.
I will think about the huge amount of Energy and Love I had when I was young.
I have too much to give.

I am sitting on the floor, infront of an off TV and a tea table in Rumineh's stuga!
It is outside Goteborg, at the gulf. The view is fantastic but the air cyrclation is awful.
It has used to be a double parking before the owners who live next door, decide to renovate(!) and rent it out.
There is just one door/window to the back yard facing the gulf which is not fixable and goes back and forth with everysingle wind coming from the sea. and no other windows are openable in this cottage!
I am making Fesenjoon which is a traditional Iranian food for her to thank for the place she offered me to stay these days in Goteborg.
The meeting with Anrzej from Chalmers Innovation went cute well and then I met Behrang and After that Fateh and got my Swedish books back.
I have a permanant headache from the caos in my mind. I am thinking about Shahab and me thses days.
I just don't understand why did he do this to me. why did he kill the love? It was so beautiful and now I try hard but it does not work yet and does not seem to work soon.
It has been just two days that I have been out from Vasteras but I already miss it. Maybe that is becaue I look at this town as a home to be and I don't like it. It i too crowded in comparison with our little cute Vasteras.
I miss my Capoeira bodies and Clover.
I have got a temporary "no" for my visa application but I have given some explanations and hope it leeds my case to a "yes".
So much to think about. So much to wait for. So much to decide and take the responsibility of!
And still so much to be happy and proud about.
Today on the wy back home I passed by a dagis and one of the small boys called me and asked me: "Vad heter du?"
And I said: "Mahgol"
He said:"Mahgol?" and smiled.
He pronounced my name better than any body else since two years ago in Sweden!
Självklart! he has no limmitations to learn and no default set of names to refere. He has an open mind to all new things. He was actually so smart and after the second sentence he said with his Göteborisk dialekt: "Men du pratar köööönstig!" and I laughed alot. I am not sure if he had noticed my Västeråsian accent or persian swedish accent!
Oh and one more thing, he also noticed taht I am not Swede taht I think is kind of smart since he was just five. He asked me: "Var bor du?" and I said"Där börta!" and he said: "Jag bor is Sverige! Var bor du?", then I noticed taht he apparently was sking about my nationality because he took of his cap and showed me his hair and pointed to my fizzy long black hair! :)
Then I said:"Jag bor i Västerås men jag koomer från Iran och nu måste jag går och lagar mat!".
It was nice to talk with them and see how nice they can be before learning from society to be conservative and play with their mobiles instead of talking to present people.
all the left Love and peace to you!
kram

It looks like it is really starting again. I mean school and serious life!

I felt the summer time this summer, as I used to feel it when I was a student going to school.

Lots of traveling, lots of swiming, lots of playing and experiencing new things and meeting new people.

Today I sent some emails and made some phone calls about my thesis and it really felt like "Back to work".

It used to happen during the school, like all the past 21 years of lmy life, that I would have some task to do and if I did not succeed to finish before a long vacation (either new year or summer), I would have made the whole vacation bitter as poisen for myself, thinking about it and I would have doe absolutely nothing! Then in just a couple of days or weeks I could finish the whole shit!

My expectation from the thesis work is the same. The hwole summer I thought about it and I canceled a lot of things because of it and did almost nothing, but now after the summer I feel like I know what to do and it has got a very good start.

Let see what happenes.

I promise to keep you posted.

:)
I think it is so good!
What happens if you say "Fuck you" to presidents or prime ministers?

U.S.A.
You says "Fuck you" to the president of U.S.A. Nothing happens, you become famous, they make you write a book and you make millions of dollars. But meanwhile the President sues you and gets all the money you have.

ENGLAND
You say, "Fuck you" to the Prime minister of England . The Prime minister says "fuck you" to you too.

FRANCE
You say, "Fuck you" to the president of France . Millions of people supports you and says "fuck you" to the president. Meanwhile the president of France writes poems because of his sadness.

JAPAN
You say, "Fuck you" to the Prime minister of Japan . The Prime minister says "I'm sorry; I'm not interested on your body."

GERMANY
You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Germany . The police come and say "Please don't fuck the president".

SWEDEN
You say, "Fuck you" to the Prime minister of Sweden . People vote if they accept you to fuck the Prime minister or not.20If the answer is yes you fuck the Prime minister. If the answer is no, the Prime minister shakes your hand.

ROMANIA
You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Romania . The president starts dancing with you with gypsy music.

TURKEY
You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Turkey . The president takes his gun and shoots you. He goes to jail for 8 years or escapes the country and Greecewelcomes him as a political refugee.

CHINA
You say, "Fuck you" to the Prime minister of China . The Prime minister will literally fuck you.

ITALY
You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Italy . You get price quotes from the mafia for realizing your passion.

RUSSIA
You say, "Fuck you" to the president of Russia . The president kisses your mouth.

SAUDI ARABIA
You say, "Fuck you" to the president ... But, there is no president, you become foolish. But if you say "fuck you" to the king, the king cuts your tongue...

IRAN
You say "Fuck you" to the president ?!? You are too late my friend, you've already been "Fucked" by the president long time ago and you didn't know!

It is raining outside. It looks like Sweden when I first arrived.
These days I am a little bit busy with new arrival students who are mostly lost and shocked.
It is so nice, there are these Thai girls with tones of make up and clothes and their dolls!!! standing aside expecting and ordering you to carry their loggages for them. :) and on the other hand there are German or Dutsch girls who come with a backpack or two and have a map and prefere to walk themselves to their accomodations.
There are Pakistani or Indian guys who see you coming to the glass door, having a big box in your hand, managing to keep your balance and they just look at you or get their eyes from you and the Turkish ones who run and take the box from you and keep the door for you. :)
It is fun to see these all and try to understand that these are all cultural differences, no body tends to offend any body though every body is so offendable! :)
This las mounth has been amazingly full of driving for me. Goteborg, Malmo, Lund, Oland, Kalmar, Stockholm, Uppsala and now to student accomodations: Bjorhovda, Park, Vallby, Råby, Sundinska, Norra, Södra, Regulatorn, Haga and Vitmårgatan.
I met this old friend of mine, Jenny from Germany who was so kind to me once I was stock in the airport in Frankfor for 5 hours, she came from her town 1 hour far from Frankfurt, picked me up and showed me around in the city. She is back for visiting us and it is so nice to see her smiling smart eyes again.
Igor is back, she is my neighbour from Ukrain and he has a simple golden ring in his right hand and he is married! :)
There are some Iranians among new arrival students. they are colder than swedes, no surprise I know what their parrents have told them about Iranians in sweden before they come here. :)
Iran, Afshins mom has left! I already missed her last night, shen we used to play bridge after a long day of work, study or wandering around.
Shahab might get his Schengen visa and come for a visit to Sweden. I wish it had happened when I was dreaming it every day and night.
There is this Macadonian girl who lives in Stockholm with her boyfriend but is going to come to school here in Vasteras, I saw a good friend in her face. She was the innitiator of the conversation which is so rare in my case!
The thesis is postponded one more mounth. This time I have to take it sooooo serious. No jokes at all.
I am also planning my trip to Goteborg for registering myself in the master of Communication which giggles my nervs (?). I think I would like it.
I hope I find a job so that I can finance myself there.
and the last thing is the Tango course with Romain. He has found one but it is very expensive according to Dimi who is a dance "course" expert! :)
Capoeira started yesterday I went there for 6 sweet friendly warm hugs and 1 high five. and ofcourse the posters that I will put up to get more motivated people in our begginers class.
I am sure it is enough for now.
SES snart!
kram (one of those sweet, friendly and warm ones)

And here we are me and Fimmi Anna!

:)

I have a better picture of her and her sweet father on my mobile but unfortunately there is no way to get it out from the F*** mobile. No bluetooth and lost cable and no ... and no ....

:)

So it stays as my background in the mobile. :)

Aunti Mahgol is so happy for you little girl!

We are absolutey a big bunch of insecure people.
Some of us know how to pose confident but the rest who we call them insecure, don't simply know how to do it.
Sit in the train and smile to the person beside you...
How am I contributing to human beings' wellfare by studying business. Am I not making them get stuck in money and its requirements and consequences more and more, if If iF I am sucessful!

I feel in love, again!
It is just such a pleasant feeling. Like Whiskey it warm ups the chest!
When I feel good, I fall in love almost every week and it is so sweet. I am learning to show my love without being afraid of people's judgement!
On the other hand I should continue not showing extra love and respect to ones who I don't realy have it for them deep inside.

When I wanted to say bye to the furniture group, I asked Stefan to give me a hug and then I thanked him for nice, sweet smiles he always had in his face and thanked him for the good sense of humor and so much fun he caused.
I huged lovely Jane and I did not say anything coz I want to see her more often and I don't want to say bye to her.
I huged stressed Inta, she was thinking about her parents an dthe trip she was going to be on for the next couple of days. Whatever it was she was not there at that moment, she was some where in future.
I shook hand with Anderas and I thought it was enough.
I huged Ayax and kissed him on his head. And I looked him is his eyes trying to show my love and respect to him.
.
.
.
Outside it is misty, orange yellowish lamps have their AURA around them! :)
We have night!
Today on the way back from Hemkop, I could smell lovely autumn comming and I told myself: "Hmmm, I have to reflect it in my blog!"
Tomorrow I am going to be in Stockholm, meeting Erik, joining a speach about cpability and entrepreneurship and discuss my thesis.
I am tired but excited.
I have to go to post office first before getting the train to Stockholm too.
Clover's website I visited today for the first time after it got finished designing. I found it fantastic. I loved the part she had her own handwriting in it and ofcourse the colours. (www.clovergiles.com)
BTW I met Fimmi Anna and soon I will be putting some pictures of her in here or maybe if Krista is kind enough, I might have a picture of Fimmi Anna and me.
Love and Peace to Ali Samini
:)
Sleep well allihooopaaaa!

Mahgol

Photo: Irakle!

Capoeirista: Jens

Jag åkte till Enköping och stännade där för tre timmer inna jag tar tåget och åkar tillbaka.
Det finns många vackra parker i Enköping.
Jag promenerade i stan och besökte stadsbiblioteket.
Jag hittade en bok som var om kommunication. Jag tror att det var jätte trevligt och spenande att läsa boken.
Jag skrev några meninger:

Delad glädje är dubbel glädje,
Delad sorg är halv sorg!

Jag är inte den du tror jag är.
Jag är inte den jag tror att jag är.
Jag är den jag tror att du tror at jag är!

Det var trevligt!

Anger is like a painful warmness going through my body...
I feel it like that.
Today I felt it after a long while.
I tried hard not to hurt anybody with my anger but I am still too gelous to be this generous. Anger is so strange, it hurts one self as much as it hurts the others but maybe it hurts the onw who has it inside the most coz you hurt once by anger itself and then you hurt after hurting others...
It is hard to control it and some times I think I even enjoy it. I don't know but I feel strong when I get angery, I feel alive but it is so stupid... I know, I know!
OK?
I know.
I honestly think there are some rare constructive angers which even they can be converted to something else to be even more constructive.
Anyway!
Today I called and I listened to: "dstgahe moshtarake morede nazar khamoosh mibashad" and I hanged on and did not wait for the english translation taht wuold have been:"The mobile set is off!" :)
Is this love? I dare!

Good relaxing weekend is good! :)

I went to Stockholm with Bjorn, Ebi, Melika, Sam and Clover.

We had lunch in an Iranian Restaurang called Zartosht, (http://www.zartosht.se/) and then went to Stockhom Center to join the Gay Pride (http://www.stockholmpride.org/).

We tayed until late and I had Clovie's camera so I did not get bored even for one second. A big memory card and a long lasting battery and so many interesting human being to be shot!

Sunday was a lazy day, cleaning, emailing, cooking, eating and studying.

Looking forward to the next week and enjoying the very current moment with Persian Iranian Classic Music and Booye Oood!

Love and peace to Jens

Some times, everything is just perfect and you feel good though you know it is just short and will finish but you are not even sad because it finishes!
Last night I went out for one of my friends from Capoeira birthday. His name is Rodde!
A peaceful smiling cute guy.
There I met my bald Clovie, Amanda, Dark haired Zarah, Lovely Jens, Smiling Bea, Zarina, Marta, Crul and Nikko.
I had to tell them about Kongfu Panda. :)
And I got the nickname, Panda!
I just feel good when I am with these people. relax and happy.
Thank you my friends for the nice time we had.
BTW today was the first official day of work with IKEA furniture. I defenately have to get some working gloves. I almost lost my fingertip skin from the stupid IKEA skrew driver!
:)
But it feels good to fill the form and write how many hours have you worked.
:)
I am tired but happy and the sweetness of last night is still under my teeth.
I have a big surprise that you might hear about it too.
my lovely artist friend has painted me in her own special style. Can not wait to see it!
puss och kram
Hejdå!

Hej Pa Dig!
Jag skapade MDH Hiking Club blogg och ar nojd med det!
Jag skulle jobba i skolan fran imorgon for tre veckor och ar glad om det.
Pengar, det som jag behover!
jag gick pa handerna for en minute idag och har ont i brostkorgen men
Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
sov gott!
Puss

As short and simple as it was
and is
and will be:

She died!

I remember when I was working on my self hard.
One of my aims was not to hurt others and help them in a way that no body finds out about it.
I remember I had the goal of not getting so happy or so sad because of what I get or loose.
I remember when I was trying not to nag!
And not to do things that do not have any benefit either for myself or others.
Det var lange sedan!

Nomin got the bus at 10:40 and went to Stockholm to go to Chna and then Mongolia!

She went back "home"!

But then what is Vasteras that is missing something with this little girl who was waking up early in, I mean early early at 2 in the morning and was destributing newspapers in the city, no matter if it was raining, snowing or blowing.

Nomin and so many others just do live without so much word like me.

They do study, work and fall in love and break up without a single word!

I huged her three or four times before she and teh bus driver get on the us and each time I just kept myself not to cry cozo I did not want to make her cry.

I am sure if I had shown a drop of tear she would have started crying hard.

I think she will have a long trip home in which she will think a lot and come up with interesting results and I will ask her to share it with me.

There are numbers in my mobile that I have to delete since the owners have left Sweden and it feels bad unless I replace it with their numbers in their "home" countries!

I am the one who always says: "Come on, we have aircrafts and phone and webcam and we will all work and have money and meet when ever we desire and shala shala"

but

It is never the same when you can

reach your friend,

look in her/his eyes,

touch their shoulder

or hold their hands

and it is so stupid of us that we don't do it enough unless we feel like we are missing each other.

I am trying to hug and contact others phisycally as much as possible unless I know they don't like it no matter what others say.

I was searching for a hug picture to put in my post and look what I found:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/publications/booksbeyondwords/bbwonlineversions/hugmetouchme/frontcover.aspx

It is sooooooooooooo stupid. What is Janet? Is she brought up in an incubator until she got 30 or so?

:)

But any way the point is that we need it. :))

If we don't hug our friends then we will be like Janet! :)

instead I will upload a pic of my little friend Nomin who is now on the way to mongolia!

It looks like I am back in life!

I know what I am doing and I have some how control on what I am doing.

No rush!

No panik!

I am on the way with my thesis and closing my Facebook account which feels so good.

:)

I sit there,
look at her face...
some thick gray hair has grown on her cheeck and nobody has unplugged them.
She looks at me and smiles. She makes one of her special faces like crossing her eyes and pulls her tongue out.
:)
I lough and touch her soft hands and stand up to get the hairplugger...
She gets my hand and says, on your way back get one of those ice-creams that you have bought before the nurse comes back!
I smile and say:
"Maadar! you had one this morning, it will be so much sugar for you!"
She says:
"Come on! You used to be my friend! I have been eating what I wanted whole my life and look I am healthy, just this finger which burns, it is like ..."
and I lough and say:
"... yeah yeah I know, It is like they have opened it and put salt and pepper inside and it burns and itches like that!"
She laughs but then gets a serious face and says:
"You laugh but it really hurts!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who should I tease if you go?
Who should I look and enjoy looking at?
Madaar don't leave us.

Let me come and kiss your soft skinny hand once more!

Why is it so hard to go to some one and tell him/her:
I really like you and I want to know you more, maybe we can have some tea or coffee some time!
I know why, because it sounds so much like a date.
But if you really don't look after a date and you mean the words you say?
On the other hand, think about the famous stupid question:
What would you do if you have just one last day to live?
Then everything sounds so easy but who knows how many days are we going to live?
Poooof!
Jag vet inte!
Jag måste plugga nu!
Hejdå!

I am searching for an isolation way. It is one of those periods that I feel like I have to spend more time with "ME".

I want to be honest!
I have a lot to do and I am doing nothing!
I have to finish some courses from last last term and there is the F*** Thesis taht I have to work on too.
I have to practice Capoeira and I ave to learn more Svenska!
Men Men Men
jag kan inte satta mig och plugga!
Jag vet inte varfor men det gar inte!
Jag sade till mig att jag har halla juli och agusti att plugga men en vecka av juli ar klar och jag har gjort absolut ingenting!
Jag maste borja! Jag maste.

Have you ever felt that some one can do magic with you?
That some one can make your brain freeze?
That you are word less when he/she talks to you?
Have you ever felt so angry and in love at the same time with some body?
I don't know how to act and I decide to skip it all.
But then I can not and I get stuck in it like a donkey in mud! This is an old persian saying! :)
But I don't know why I put a smily face, though it is not funny at all!
p.s. Don't search for the relationship between donkey, mud and tiger and water...

Today I was thinking about those 200-1 people who got killed and there was no one to film their death so there is no name of them in Youtube or any other place. You just know Neda and that is not all.

People are in streets in Iran, they are getting hit and shot, they are fighting for freedom.
They are looking for their votes. I am born in Tehran, Iran and just by the time these things are going on in Iran, I take a bus to Stockholm but not to demonstrate or join others who want to shout for Iranian nation whose voice can not be broadcasted easily, I want to take the bus to go to a cheap airport called Skavsta. I fly to Bratislava, take the bus to the city, have a turn in the center of the city and some memories from Ebi and Farideh and our Vienna trip gets a second life, I get the bus to Budapest and visit my old friend Zita there. She is standing in the bus terminal at 11 pm in not a very good part of the city with a beautiful rose in her hands and a beautiful tired smile in her face.
She brings me to her home in Budpest suburb, we drink a glass of fine Champagne and sleep.
I go around in this beautiful city. She does not let me pay a single penny. I get the bus in the early morning go to Prague. There are some old good doods waiting for me. tired real smiles on their faces. I hugs David, Tomas and Petr and I feel, damn, I had missed these guys.
We go, drink and eat and go to my survival trip of 100 km in 24 hours and I fail in 92.5 km and on the 22nd hour of the trip. I spend the night by the fire in an old typical Zcech in Bohemian Paradise in an old village in my sleeping bag but before we have some beer and sit by the fire and listen to the rock climber who plays guitar and sings Czech folk songs.
I take the train back to the city after eating a typical Czech food in a small town by the railways. The bus brings me to Wroclaw through lots of ups and downs in the mountains in south border of Poland and I can see nothing from the big window beside me not because it is dark but because it is dirty and foggy. I go to the centrum in the nicest hostel ever near the main market square and listen to loud laugh of lovers and wonder about the roses Polish gentlemen give to their lovers when they meet in fine clothes in teh main square while I am in my shorts and old slippers. I get the train to Poznan the other day and remind lots of good memories in Frolic Goats and the day after a short girly visit to the tourist information office in that nice old square and then the bus to the airport and flying back to Vasteras.
Finished? no! from the airport in Vasteras I walk down to the island named Bjorno and swim and rest and enjoy the late sunset at 10 pm and walk back home: sundinska!
And after all these, now I think I know what should I do for Iran. I don't need to buy a ticket and run back home and shoudl stop repeating to myself: "Why shoudl Neda get shot? Why not me? What if I was there and she was still alive?"
I know what should I do and I feel good about it.
May peace flow all around the world.
You could see war's effect in all these cities I have travelled through and it is not pleasant at all.

These day?

This is me!

I brought a small present for Romain from Iran and he gave me his favorite old silver medalium.

I have it on me now and I am realy happy about it.


Lets keep it this simple because it is simple.

I had this dream of
lying on a rock,
the rock was on a bed of short soft grass,
it was surrounded by tall old trees,
sun rays were reaching the green bed, the rock and me through the leaves of the trees,

I had this dream of lying on such a bed,
naked and still!
I wanted to wait and observe how
days and night pass
animals came and go
they approached me slowly, smelled me some licked me and left.
insects passed over me,
It rained and snowed
and one day it blew and I felt that I am flying like a dust...

I had this dream and I was making it more and more facinating by adding sweet details to it
But
Now
I am living and I want to live and I know that there will be such a day and I will enjoy it but now I want to live with sweeter dreams.

Have you ever searched for the picture of a photographer?
You will find the photos he/she has taken and you are never sure which one is his/her own profile.
Maybe it is so right because you are what you see and what you do.

I look in your eyes,
Blue, Brown, Green, Black, Honey, ...
I see a transparent reflection of me.

You think about me,
good or bad,
does not matter,
there are some seconds, minutes or hours you spend thinking about me or us and it connects me to you stronger and stronger.

You think you are my enemy but ...
We get closer and closer.
Niether you or I can help it,
It is the rule.
.
.
.
Lets meditate!

My dear old dearest!
You told me that you wanted to get shallow
and you did!
You told me that you didn't want to think any more
and you absolutely did!

YOU LOST ME

but you forgot that
You told me that you wanted to get shallow and you did
And you wanted to stop thinking
and you did!

"I read your previous posts and I think you've got reborn"
that is what you said
and
I forgot to say:
"It should happen more often!"

Maybe life is the time,
you look back,
your father is not holding the back of your bike any more,
he is smiling at you,
you have been cycling on your own,
for a quite far distance and all
at once
just without any reason:
You fall!

I think I found it out!
I have experienced so many loosings and I am so afraid of it that I try not to have in order not to loose!
That is why I love you.
There is no way I have you so I am sure and easy minded that I can not loose you!
:)
Happy and secure, I enjoy it so much.

I closed my eyes,
enjoying the sun,
reached your arm
and rested my hand safely in your just bent elbow.

VISST!

I got a deep breath,
a big smile on my face
and started to walk surely beside you.

I could hear more birds,
seagulls, jackdaws, ravens and sparrows.

I could smell your perfume and the sludges in the harbor.

I could feel small insects hitting my body, spider webs touching my face or the pleasant breeze going through my hair.

Coldness of shadows made by trees or buildings on my skin.

such a tender, delicate World!

And if there was a step or a slope:
a gentle tap on my hand resting in your elbow.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?


Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say, 'Hi'?

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won'tlast.

When you run so fast
to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of
getting there.

When you worry and hurry
through your day,
It is like an unopenedgift......
Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

unfortunately I don't know who has written it

OK! OK! OK!
I can not explain it! so what?
I just enjoy my time standing and walking beside you and looking at you and listening to you.
It is not sexual and it can not get sexual but it is something new and so interesting!
I love it.
I am happy to experience it!
Just like this: :-D

You are just like an addiction:
A sweet and pleasant one!

I can feel the flow of calmness and happiness from you to me, the strong gentle flow that fills my heart when I see you and your sweet smile.

The only word that can describe my status after leaving you is “trance”!

Tonight!
This very moment!
This very place!
Here I am with you!
We go on, till one finishes the other.
You and your smell.
You and your taste.
You and your trance.
You...

Either you like it or not,
I love you, I miss you, I dream about you....

This morning,
Somewhere between the awakes' world and sleepings', I touched your arm under the blue stripped shirt you have.
I could smell you,
The hardness of your muscles and your kind smile.
I could feel the love in the room.

How does it work with "missing" somebody?

Who are then ones that we miss them and

why do we miss them?

Should we tell them when we miss them?

I don't know the answers to these questions exactly but I think:

There is a characteristic in any relationship and there is something flowing between two individuals when they have any kind of relationship.

Whenever you need what you get from a special human link, then you miss the one who you find it with him or her.

And I think "YES", it is very important that you let others know if they are important for you or you miss them. And more important is that I think it does not matter how they interpret it but it matters how you interpret it honestly with yourself.

If you consider it complicated it becomes complicated but if you take it easy it goes easy.

Love and Peace to You!

It has been a while I was not so happy and calm.
It might sound strange to you but I am spending the most relaxing-stressing time of my life.
There are many people who I like to spend time with them.
there are couple of them who I really love!
I mean, I enjoy just being where they are. I enjoy seeing them smile or listen to their voice and I let my self go.
I just try to love and get love and find it something like LIFE!
I am exploring some abilities of my body taht I did not have any idea about them at all.
I am happy that is what I can say.

There is somewhere in my chest, little bit to the left.
It becomes hard or painful or squeezing or... I don't know how to explain it, whenever I miss some one or some where or some thing.
It happens when I want some thing and I know that it is not possibe any more.
It happens when I think of my youngest uncle or my grandmother or my kompis who left me last year.
It can happen when I call a family to say: "Happy new year" and they don't pick up and there is no answering machine!
It can happen when I call a friend to ask if I can help for the party I am invited to next day and I hear people saying goodbye and I find out about my mistake in the date of the party.
It can happen when I leave my camera in a taxi on the way to the airport in Poznan.
It can happen when I can not find my mobile in my pocket, nor in my backpack and not even under loads of snow the day after!
It can happen when I enter the house and I smell my fathers perfume who just left for a week trip and I wanted to say goodbye to him before he leaves.
It can happen when I saw an empty bed, abondoned, where an aziz used to lie on but not any more.
It might look sad, the text I have written. But it is not.
It is just deep inside.
Love
Happy Norouz
signiture: MahGol

What do you think?
Should one fall in love just with one person at a time?
Should all the loves end in sex?
Is it a big deal to fall in love with your gay boy friend if you are a girl?
If it is not love what is it that you just enjoy sitting near him and smiling to his face?
Is there any wrong love?
Should you stop yourself from loving or should we love as much as we can?

I sit with my back to the window so that I don't see the snow outside.
It has become so long this year.
I want sun on my skin.

Is it a big sin to miss you?

In this cold night, I've miss your hands, your shoulder and the special boom tuk of your kind heart.

I've missed your eyes, your smile and your voice.

There is no complain.

I love you even more than before and it is none of your business.
It is all on my own as it has always been.

Don't worry my dear.
You live your life and I do mine.
No responsibility as you wished!
Lots of missings as I wished!

Did it ring? Am I late?
Why is it so bright everywhere? Is it noon? Is it morning? Is it moonlight? Or is it just the lights in the street?
There is no way you can get the time by looking out in this cursed land.
Why am I all wet?
Is it that warm here?
was it a bad dream?
.
.
.
absolutely no clue...
I should wake up, but I am already awake. I am tired. It feels like I have not closed my eyes even for a moment.
I am such an asshole. I am wasted. I am broken. I even don't have enough energy to come out of this fucking bed.
Maybe it is better to stay and spoil between these cheap IKEA sheets, after days and nights that don't differ that much.
It has been so long I have been crowling in the bed...
It might be already noon.
.
.
.
Oh shit! It just started ringing.
I press the snooze button and try to look at the digital clock on my slim, red mobile with my burning eyes that I can hardly open them.
It is 8...
I have wasted at least two hours that I could sleep easily.
I will have my class in one hour.
I have to take a shower. I smell like shit.
.
.
.
two hours later I am still sitting on my bed.
looking at my feet or fingers or squeezing some pimples on my arms . . .
I lost my morning class.
I am so thirsty. I don't have the energy to go to the kitchen and take a glass of water.
what day is it today?
.
.
.
I lie in the bed and curse my self.
I hate this lazy creature.

It is so freezing here.
I don't dare to go out.
I feel like freezing on the way home.
Actually it is not that cold when you measure it with a termometer. But I feel cold.
I feel so lonely.
Far from where I should be.
Far from who I want to be with.
and the worst part is that this distance can not be reduced easily.
It is not just Phisycal!

When I meet a good person, I mean a real good one! who does not harm people but also helps, I feel like shit!
I miss my old version.
I like to be less and less complicated just like this, as I am.
But these habbits that we are trapped in them.
These ropes of "others"!
I think gradually I have started to know what I want and what I don't.
It needs so much effort to live the way you want not the way you are expected to.
I am trying to do my best :)

As time passes I feel more and more like, I am so simple.
It is easy to predict me.
I am just a girl like others.

With the same weeknesses and strenghts.

Though improvement has been my intention as long as I remember,
But
There has been no more improvements that the ones whose intention has been other things.

Life goes and we go as a small part of it.
I am suffering and I value it so much.
I will be stronger as a consequence of this suffering!
but for what?
I tell you.
for more sufferings :)
That is my life.

I was in US for the summer and now I am back in my second home, SWEDEN.
I think the first year of study here has been so fruitful for I can understand the topics in the lectures this year easier though they are more difficult in comparison to the first year.
I feel so good.
Two of my best friends here in sweden have moved to the building in which I live.
So I am no more feeling alone.
In my head, I have summeries of several interesting articles and I have set my goal on finding and getting a PHD position either in Sweden or any other country for a long term target but first I should prepare a good master thesis.

.
.
.
This does not work in English,
Sorry!

You are my life.
You are my love.
Not only I say, But I realy mean it.

When I decided to get out of Iran, one of the ideas was that I felt trapped in Iran, with closed boundaries and district rules for Iranians who apply for other countries visa. I love to move. I love to have to ability of going from one place to another place. I can live on this aim of getting financially and internationally able of doing it.

I got United Sates of America's visa. I am now in San Francisco.The city is one of the most beautiful places in the world. Golden gate bridge and all other land marks in the county.

I got the news the second day in USA. A friend called me. "What's up Vaheed?", I had recieved an email from him which was sent four days ago but I did not have access to internet. "Nothing dear, I sent the email on the day Shahab's father died, now it ...", I could not hear the rest. what was he talking about? I talked with Shahab yesterday and he told me nothing about it. I told him about the dream I had about his father and asked him about the sorrow in his voice, but he said. "Nothing darling, nothing to worry. Enjoy yourself. Safe trip.". I hardly finished the conversation with Vaheed and got out of the club.

We were in a club in Pacific heights. It was a persian party with two Iranian DJs. I came out and stood beside all smokers and could not help myself, not crying. I cried behind a tree, facing the pavement in Van Ness Ave.. I felt so trapped. I have no enough money to go back. I even can not afford calling my darling and talking to him. I am trapped in heaven. That is what a friend called it when she heard of my visa issuance.

Yes! we can be trapped in heaven. It depends on your mood. It depends on your demands. It depends all on you.I was happy in hell and now suffering in heaven. What the hell is going on?

Happy between friends?
Thinking of the loved ones who are far physically but ...
How vast can a man be? I spread from east coast of Japan to west coast of America.

Between 3rd and 17th of April I went back home to Iran and visited my boyfriend and my parents, siblings and relatives. It was sweet and in the same time, terrible: I did not want to come back!
My parents had become older than 8 months ago that I had said goodbye to them and traveled to Sweden. I could easily notice that.
I also could notice the irritating distance between me and my boyfriend. There was a gap in between. we had so much to say but we also did not want to spend our short time in talking about others and .... it was no good.
Some friends say that they used to think that I am stronger but now they feel like I am not. But I think I am strong but it is just a matter of emotions and the time which is sunning cruelly.
I am thinking hard about life. It is going so fast that I even don't have enough time to think about past and make decisions for future since the very predictable future becomes present and past in a glance and the very far furture is not predictable at all....
I am just going dizzy...

These weeks we are all busy so much. Last semester in Mälardalens Högskolan it was so easy that is why many students planed to attend in some extra activities for this one and now we are all somehow trapped.
The previous course was named "Strategy Classics", it was trying to give us an idea about what strategy is and introduced some popular approaches to strategy.
Now we are dealing with some real strategic actions mostly in Industry and are supposed to find strategic actions in them and some how get to a kind of analysis.
So here we are.
On earth!
Sitting in a room with friends coming from all around the world.
Almost all continents.
It is fantastic!

NOTHING MORE

I made my contract with the truth
to restore light to the earth.

I wished to be like bread.
Te struggle never found me wanting.

But here I am
with what I loved,
with the solitude I lost.
In the shadow of that stone, I do not rest.

The sea is working,
working in my silence.

Pablo Neruda

Memories, far or close?

I miss him so often,

I miss the streets inwhich we used to walk,

I miss the caffees we used to sit in and talk.

I miss him so often.

If past is gone and future has not come,

Who are we?

Who are the people in our memories?

What are memories?

If past is gone and people in past are dead,

Who do I miss?

Who do I wish to kiss?

If future has not come and people in future are to be born,

Who will I meet?

In who will I leak?

I ask for Silence

Now they leave me in peace
Now they grow used to my absence.

I am going to close my eyes.

I wish for five things only,
five chosen touchstones.

One is prepetual love.

The second is to see the autumn.
I cannot exist without leaves
flying
and falling to earth.

The third is the solemn winter,
the rain I loved, the caress
of fire
in the rough cold.

Fourthly, the summer,
plump as a watermelon.

And, fifth, your eyes.
Matilda, my dear love,
I will not sleep wothout your eyes.
I will not exist but in your gaze.
I adjust the spring
for you to follow me with your eyes.

. . .

Pablo Neruda

The new course just started today.
Strategy Classics
The teacher seems funny and smart, the books are also readable. :)
I missed Zita so much today. We used to sit next to each other in the lectures and now she is in Budapest trying to finish her hard exams at her home university.
It is how life is. people come and go but you live with your desires and memories.
keep your fingers crossed for me for this hard, 5 week course.
:)

Birthday in Västerås!

On 4th of January I had my first birthday far from my family and home but it was so strange that I felt so much at home!
My aunt came to visit me from France and she was so kind inviting 8 of my friends for dinner on my birthday.
They all came and we cellebrated my birthday in a very nice resturant in te main street of Västerås!
I got so nice gifts from all my friends and even from one of them that was not there in the city.
I thank you my dear aunt, Anahita.
You are the best!
And I thank you all my dear friends who came and made my night!
And I thank you GOD if you are there.

First Christmass!
This year I experienced my firs christmass.
It was nice. We celebrated it with my friends who had also stayed here in V-ås and had not gone back home.
We had a nice dinner and then we had a short walk in the city and then went to the Church! It was really interesting for me.
I also kneed and had some blessed wine as Jusses Blood.
I enjoyed it so much.
I prayed there and asked GOD to bless the world and specially my family and country with love, peace and joy.
Merry Merry Christmass

It is simple

It is not a new invented need.

It has been there always.

I am a human beeing.

I miss him.

I want him here

exactly here

by my side!

Rescuing Hug

This is a picture from an article called, "The Rescuing Hug." The article details the first week of life of a set of twins. Apparently, each were in their respective incubators, and one was not expected to live. A hospital nurse fought against the hospital rules and placed the babies in one incubator. When they were placed together, the healthier of the two threw an arm over her sister in an endearing embrace. The smaller baby's heart rate stabilized and her temperature rose to normal.
They both survived, and are thriving! In fact, now that the two girls are home, they still sleep together, and still snuggle. The hospital changed their policy after they saw the effect of putting the two girls together, and now they bed multiples together.
Ensign magazine May '98 pg. 94 Adapted from the Readers Digest article "A Sister's Helping Hand" May 1996 Pp. 155-56

Big Girls you are beautiful by Mika

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, 'Hey girl you are beautiful'
Diet coke and a pizza please
Diet coke I'm on my knees
Screaming 'Big girl you are beautiful'

You take your skinny girl
Feel like I'm gonna die
'Cause a real woman
Needs a real man here's why

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
Now a whole lotta woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby

No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, 'Hey girl you are beautiful'
Diet coke and a pizza please
Diet coke I'm on my knees
Screaming 'Big girl you are beautiful'

You take your girl
And multiply her by four
[ Lyrics found at www.mp3lyrics.org/ak ]
Now a whole lotta woman
Needs a whole lot more

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby

No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby

No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Oh you are beautiful

Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge
Find yourself a big lady
Big boy come on around
And they'll be calling you baby

No need to fantasize
Since I was in my braces
A watering the hole
With the girls around
And curves in all the right places

Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful
Big girl you are beautiful

Zita my lovely hungerian friend toled me about his nice music. I love it and I also love her.

Finding a new home


I came out of the situation I used to leave in for more than 25 years.


I got distance from all the streets I used to drive or walk in them and


all the resturants and coffee shops I used to go and sit and smoke or talk with my friends.


I am far from the book store I used to go and the shop keeper who knew which was the last book I read and would recommend me the next one!


I can not go to the sweeming pool I used to go and lie in the sun and listen to the music.


I am no longer the wellcome but un+invited guest in my friends' houses.


There is no way to get to the shops I used to buy my favorite cloths from them.


I am far from HOME!


At this home in Västerås there is no mom cooking and cleaning and waiting for me.


At this home in Västerås there is no dad doing morning exercises, waking me up with the sound of his radio in the next room.


At this home in Västerås there are no cute systers poking and teasing me!


But I still like it.


I am learning.


I am meeting new people.


I have opened my heart and also my mind.


I feel so free to talk with people and explore their worlds.


I am training my mind to switch between different languages quickly.


I enjoy my life here and:


Jag trivs bra i Västerås!

Fall

It is getting cold.

The naughty wind blows and brings the dry leaves on the ground,
up
and the dry leaves on the branches,
down!
Then you can see a dance of leaves in the air!

People get to their houses soon and so does the sun!

There is no party, it is exam, seminar, assignment, deadline, presentation, paper submition and ... season!

You miss such sceneries:

Moon Flower

Sun gives me kisses,
Generously on my skin

Wind touches my face,
Kindly in a gentle way

Birds whisper songs,
Happily near my ears

And

I am floating,
In the lake,
Free
Having no stress
Thinking of absolutely nothing

I am walking,
In the wood,
Fresh
Worrying no matter
Wondering the beauty of the trees

I am dancing
In the street,
Glorious
Being proud of my existence
Looking inside, smiling on “Moon Flower”

Västerås, September 9, 2007

Well,
Now I am in sweden.
It is exactly 2 months that I have left Iran.
I have completely settled down, found new friends, got used to the situation and started to find a new Mahgol here in Sweden.
I plan to write more often and tell you more about the new findings.
Happy Moon Flower

Mother tongue

I have started writing in a Persian weblog.
It is much more easier for me to write in my mother tongue so I almost everyday put a new post in it.
:)
These days, waiting for the admission results has become so hard.
I just can't wait more than this.

Today is the first day of the week, the month and the rest of my life!

:)

My heart is filled with hope, love and peace.

The company has payed our salaries and my bank account is filled with hope, love and peace too.

;)

It is getting so long that I have not met my love, and I have missed him so much.

I hope this week becomes a blessed one in our life.

Schahryar

Two days ago, I mean on Friday, I went to our garden/ farm, in Schahryar, with my father.

I was taking pleasure of being with him.

He has become so silent and calm these days.

I love him!

I love you Baba and miss you all day long before coming home.

:*

Here are some more pictures of our lovely day, in which the sun shined, the wind blowed, the flowers had bloomed and the water was flowing on the ground.

Norouz

The Spring came and the nature got a new life.

It is great that our year starts with recreation of trees and flowers.

Happy Norouz

Life

Who knows what will happen?

I think it is very interesting that we do not know what do we have ahead in our way of life.

We forget easily, and it seems that all the passed way is hidden in darkness except some points we intend to remember longer.

What we know is very little in comparison with what we don't know.

Death

Morteza Ordubadi Left us.

He died alone, at work; just as he lived.

I believe in this, which people die exactly how they live.

He was so active, kind and precise.

I hope his soul rests in peace and light till the end.

Art

There are so many events or better to say, acts, considered as "Art",
But I think there are just two of them which can give me the calmness and satisfaction I look for in art.
Dancing and singing.
It is just you; your body and your soul.
There is no equipments or instruments basicaly required.
I do not have a good voice but I am trying to dance good, and hope to achieve it one day.
:)

Tuesday's with Morrie

An Old Man,

a Young Man,

and Life's Greatest Lesson

This is a book and of course a film's name, my favorite film!

I have watched this film several times.

and suggest you to watch it at least once. but please be aware not to cry.

It is sooooo realistic.

Iranian Traditional Painting (Miniature)

Can you believe it?

This is a bitter-sweet memory

Imran Salahi was gone and we were leaving "Behesht-e Zahra",

And before leaving Shahab and Mr Pouri had a whisper in Shapour Khan's grave ear.

May God rest their souls in peace.

I am busy with filling the application forms and sending my documents to the Sweden Universities.

I love Angelina July's body shape and face.

She is really beautiful.

One of Shahab Messages

He always choses best poems and sentences for me.

I love him :)

I’ll Cry for You

I lived my life as I saw fit,

some may think I was wrong,

but I know that God loves me,

I heard it in a song.

These times are too short,

and full of worry and pain,

just remember the coming light,

and accept those days of rain.

Don’t cry for me,

my work here is through.

Go and live your life,

and let me cry for you.

I never was a big follower,

I never wanted to lead,

not just another pretty face,

just lived to be me.

Now my life is far from over,

but on earth I won’t be found,

and if you’re ever looking,

heaven is whereI’m bound.

Don’t cry for me,

my work here is through.

Go on,

live your life,

And I’ll cry for you.

Tanya Washington

2001 Lubbock, Texas

Me as a node in this giant graph!

There are too many people who we just pass by
And so many who we talk with
There also are ones who we meet
Ones who we shake hand and smile to
But are fewer ones who we kiss
and even fewer who we take their hands and cry on their shoulders.

Name: Moon Flower

Botanical Name: Ipomoea alba

Zone: 8-11

Soil: Average

Exposure: Full sun

Bloom Time and Color: White flowers in late spring to late fall.

Description: Big white flowers. 6-8 in. across, open in evening and fill the air with perfume. Grows 20 ft. Plant this fast-growing vine on a porch, near an entrance, or under a window where you can enjoy the evening performance and heady fragrance. The flowers of moonflower bloom only at night, and unfold in 2-3 minutes, and event worth waiting for!

Some Pictures from Tehran's Sky

My city is beautiful
when it blows
when it rains
when it snows and the schools are closed.

My city is beautiful
when the sun shines
or the moon is in the sky
when the air is full with the fresh smell of the roses
and when your eyes can be filled with the view of snow covered mountains.

My city is beautiful
when the pockets of its people are full
when their eyes are shining
and when their hearts are filled with love and hope

My city is beautiful
when the fathers are not ashame of their families
when the great ones are not kept in preason
and when lovers are free to walk and dance in its streets.

My BirthDay

Hi,

I had a nice birthday.

I got very good gifts.

I spent almost all my birth Day with my beloved.

Thank God.

:)

Trick Or Just a Good Point Of View

Winter Has Came


Happy new Year to all the ones who celebrate it now.

Every day can be called as the first day of the next year. :)

My city, Tehran is filled with whiteness.

I got this picture on Friday, in Darakeh.

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Enjoy yourself and let your soul be filled with love and blessings.

Cheers

Let me Live

"I want to survive", this is what Mr Amir Hushang Majidi, our strategic manager in Latif Paper Co. said as he saw this picture.

I think it is appropriate.

:)

It was taken in one of the Tehran North-South streets, in the middle of last Fall.

Hope you like it.

Latif Paper Company

Yesterday was a very active day.
We went to attend a meeting in Latif Paper Factory in another city.
It was very beautiful on the way to Hashtgerd.
We all tried to take pleasure from the trip, because as the other meetings about the strategic programs of the company, it was a real bullshit.

;)